(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
The Penn football team is scheduled to finish its spring season on Sunday, April 6.
But during a team meeting late last night, the Quakers players voted to strike and skip the remainder of the practices and workouts, unless new artificial turf is installed at Franklin Field in the next 24 hours. The installation of new turf would take about three months.
Tensions grew last night as negotiations between the football players union and the coaching staff yielded no indication of the two sides reaching an agreement before the strike date set by the team, midnight tonight.
After hearing news of the strike at 11 p.m. last night, the University and coaching staff responded with a lockout date of 12 a.m. this morning.
The team's list of requests against the staff and University include changing the turf, having fewer practices, paying players, a dental plan and to never have to go to Hanover, N.H., again.
Furthermore, players hinted that their salaries could come from Franklin Field skybox revenue, which the Athletic Department currently uses to make wagers on the team.
Several coaches have complained about injuries incurred because of the turf.
"My knees have been hurting a lot lately, and I think it's because of the turf," said Penn running back Stephen Faulk, who was born with only one knee. True story.
Additionally, several players have contracted diseases --ranging from malaria to syphilis -- because of the sand in-fill system.
Penn coach Al Bagnoli dismissed the epidemic as typical.
"Whenever you have over 100 handsome, athletically chiseled, finely tuned athletic machines, coupled with the social atmosphere here at Penn and the promiscuity of the female student body, certain things are bound to be passed around," Bagnoli said.
Although Penn senior Mike Mitchell claimed the vote was "[unanimous]," there was indeed one person who voted against it.
"I'm 79 years old, and my knees are just fine playing on this turf," coach Lake said. "My motto is, 'You can take a man from a field, but you can't take a field from a man.' I want to hit somebody!"
Lake has since joined the protest, however, as the players needed his bullhorn, and in return they amended their requests to include changing the uniforms: polka-dot bowties during home games.
"We're currently in a frenzy to decide which turf system to install," Director of Athletic Facilities and Operations Dave Bryan said. "Squeezing a 3-month makeover into 24 hours is like drinking egg nog on Yom Kippur -- it just doesn't happen."
The Quakers ordered 107 "Football is life -- The rest is just details" tee shirts and planned not to attend class today.
Judith Rodin attempted to intervene with a plan to "get them so drunk they don't know what's what." Details forthcoming.
