PrognostiQuakers: Eli A. Yale picks himself and his great-greatuncle

So, we know what you, the reader, are thinking as you furrow your brow. "Wow," you think. "The PrognostiQuakers picked Penn to beat Columbia last week. Who would have ever guessed that one?" Your sarcasm is noted, you moron. And we get your point. The Lions aren't even a powerhouse in being an awful university. Brown's got that one cornered. Maybe this weekend, Penn would play a strong team and we'd have to make a tough decision about which team to pick. There would be an old-fashioned battle on the gridiron between two teams wearing leather helmets and running the single wing offense and one winner would emerge and we'd (getting more emotional now) have to pick that game! There was only one problem. That isn't happening. Instead, Penn is playing Yale. Still, we had to make a pick. So we decided to track down the father of all Elis himself, Eli Yale. Well, actually, this turned out to be a pretty stupid idea, since old Elihu, the founder of Yale, has been dead for two centuries. Due to the economy, we don't have quite the budget anymore to contact the netherworld. We needed to try something else. We PrognostiQuakers would try the next best thing -- the Yale founder's direct descendants. First on the Yale family list was Eli Yale of Brockway, Pa. Perfect, we thought as we left Philadelphia. A great-great-grandson and a Pennsylvania resident. Unfortunately, he was about as helpful as his grandfather's ghost, claiming to know "nothing" about the sport. Clearly, old Eli would be pissed. The California branch of the family wasn't of any more help. "I haven't any idea. I haven't followed either one of [the teams]," said a bewildered Eli Yale of Sherman Oaks, Calif., as he ushered us quickly out the door. We were getting worried. Perhaps members of the direct Yale line were no good Commie football-haters. According to PrognostiQuaker sources (the phone book), there are only three Eli Yales in the country. Would we have to consult other parts of the family -- perhaps even the disgraced Elizabeth Yales? Finally, we found old Elihu's great-great grandson. Kinda. Eli A. Yale of Maggie Valley, N.C., a descendant of Thomas Yale, Eli's uncle, was more than happy to let us into his home. "I'm a Yalie, but I'm worried that Pennsylvania's playing better," the 1950 graduate of, well, himself, said. The still-breathing Eli Yale's pick? "Yale, 31-21." We thought better, however. Who the hell is still named Eli, anyway? And who still calls it "Pennsylvania?" Screw you, Eli Yale -- you and your descendants. Penn 1950, The Yale Family 0

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