The cat was almost out of the bag and ready to tear its claws through the hearts of millions of comfortable American lives.
It was bad enough that Andy Rooney, speaking on "Larry King Live," let it slip that he was consistently biased; then the witty old curmudgeon had to go and reveal the astonishing fact that most of the news media, especially television network anchors, were "transparently" biased. Surely, a blatant action of this kind could lead to nothing but chaos. Imagine the fallout -- scores of Americans sent reeling from the shock of discovering that "unbiased news" might in fact be merely a myth.
I immediately went scouring for more evidence, hoping to find little that could sway the faith of nightly news-watchers across the nation. But, it was there, plain to see for any Tom, Dick or Harry with a 24k hookup.
Just days later CNN anchorman Aaron Brown began his roundup of the days' news with the sad tragedy of an American denied his civil rights. I could barely contain my disgust long enough to hear that the poor guy, Jose Padilla, was being held indefinitely by the military, all because of one dirty bomb. Well, personally, I would rather lug a case of potassium-iodine (a radiation antidote) around with me than allow a man to wallow in a cell without his right to access 1-800-LAWYERS. But would CNN's means betray their glorious motive?
I searched their site for all the news on Padilla. Of the ten top articles, eight included terms like "Dirty bomb suspect has fewer legal rights," "arrest criticized," "Padilla's containment a 'constitutional concern,'" and "Ashcroft statement on 'dirty bomb' suspect." Would the gig be up? How could they be so bold? Don't they know that many Americans can read and some even count? Obviously, Ted Turner has lost a little bit of that subtlety which allowed him to gain an early monopoly on the news game.
I frantically clicked over to CBS. Now, those guys were on top of their game. Their search engine was muddled and barely coherent, a brilliant tribute to the way politics and government ought to be. Buried beneath Dan Rather's riveting expose on evil moving companies were only two archives on the Padilla case: a scorching editorial, "Ashcroft: Minister of Terror," which lambastes the government for frightening people with the possibilities of future terrorist attacks, followed by 'Dirty Bomb Materials Plentiful in U.S." Well, that's not too bad. How many people could possibly catch the irony of that?
Nonetheless, I was worried. If television news was speeding down the fast track to abysmal, where will the advertisers turn? Where will get our opinions? How will we vote? My mind trembled with the prospect of poorly clothed, incontinent
citizens spurning moderately priced luxury cars to run wild-eyed through the streets. So I did what any red-blooded man of the people would -- I headed to the nearest coffee shop to drown my sorrows in a latte.
The melodramatic buzz of intellect had nearly soothed my soul when suddenly the shattering shrieks of debate violently rang through the air. I looked to the table next to me and saw two excited Penn students frothing at one another. Their words, like giant boulders, catapulted from side to side, each smashing the ramparts of his defender. I fumbled for my sippee straws, ready to defend myself, should the battle escalate and roll over onto my tranquil ottoman.
I was certain that all out war would ensue. I had to pick a side quickly as one of the combatants stood tall and inquired in a menacing tone, "Oh yeah, well how do you know?' The gauntlet had been thrown. Surely there could be no proper response, no way to pull back from the front. I ducked low to escape the shrapnel as the other stood up. They were face-to-face with trembling lips and clenched fists when the rebuttal came full force:
"Dan Rather said so on CBS last night."
And there it was. The faithful were still devout. The storm had passed and the once hostile Quakers returned to their chairs, making amiable conversation over double latte moccachinos. The world was right again, all for the undeniable authority of the evening news. I quickly gathered my things and sped out the door, humming a catchy little tune I'd recently heard, "The news and views as quick as a wink, for those of you who hate to think."
I was safe for the moment. But, whatever will we do when Dan and his buddies depart for that great Pulitzer Prize in the sky? I better start watching George Stephanopoulos soon. I'm sure that he'll tell me.
