Long shorts out, bras in for M. Hoops

*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue* NEW YORK -- Goodbye, jockstraps!

In a bold move yesterday, the Penn men's basketball team unveiled its new look for the 2002-2003 season at a special runway show in Manhattan.

The Quakers will be showing a lot more skin next season thanks to the new uniforms designed by Victoria's Secret.

Guard Andrew Toole modeled the new home suit, featuring a blue thong and a sky-blue sequined brassiere. Swingman Tim Begley, meanwhile, showed off Penn's road gear -- blue "grandma" panties with a red polka-dotted spandex bra.

"I feel free," Begley said. "This will be a great move for our ballclub as we try to get back to the Tournament next year. [Penn athletic director] Steve Bilsky is treating me very well. They're feeding me good meals, and I'm looking forward to the surgery."

"Help me!" Begley tried to add, before several burly new employees of the Penn athletic department escorted him backstage for his surgery.

The surgery to which Begley referred is a mandatory breast enhancement for all players, so that the uniforms will fit better when they make their first appearance at the Palestra next season.

Bilsky said that the uniform change was "completely unrelated" to his secret meeting with Princeton athletic director Gary Walters last week in Cargo Hold B at Philadelphia International Airport.

"That's preposterous!" Bilsky said, as strange spirals spun around in his eyes. "Our meeting was in Cargo Hold A. I mean, uh, gotta go."

Bilsky made a quick getaway in an orange Chevy Nova with black trim. It had New Jersey vanity plates inscribed with the phrase "PENNSUX" and a "Go Tigers!" bumper sticker.

Back on the runway, Toole shuddered at the sight of pal Charlie Copp with a fresh new set of C-cup breasts. Begley could be heard screaming in agony from the backstage area.

"God, I'm glad I'm getting out of here," said Penn senior Dan Solomito, who will not have to undergo any sort of surgery. "We don't need to distract teams with paralyzing laughter or vomit-inducing freak show tricks. We've simply played the best basketball in the Ivy League all these years. Unless they're trying to destroy Penn basketball, I don't know what the deal is here."

When told of the mandatory surgeries and new uniforms for the Quakers, Dartmouth coach Dave Faucher said, "Wow! That's a great idea. I've been trying to get fired from my job up here at Dartmouth College for years now. If I try to introduce that kind of thing up here, I might finally get the axe."

While Faucher thinks that the idea of bras, panties and implants could get him fired, Penn coach Fran Dunphy wept openly at times during yesterday's festivities and could be heard wondering aloud about how he'd ever recruit another player to come to Penn.

"Those uniforms, they're -- they're awful!" Dunphy said. "Poor Charlie's father is a minister, and we've got him cross-dressing as part of team policy now."

Then, there's the matter of the surgery and whether the Quakers' top players will be able to adjust to carrying such an unnatural load up top.

"I don't know, Spector, I'm not a fucking doctor," Dunphy said.

Penn's coach was inconsolable, but his New Jersey rival could not have been happier yesterday.

"The Quakers will soon be vanquished!" said Princeton coach Skeletor, who was hired earlier this week to replace John Thompson III. "Not even that vile He-Man can save them now. Ha ha ha ha ha."

The Tigers' head man retired to Castle Greyskull for the evening to commiserate with assistant coaches Gargamel and Megatron.

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