*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue*Penn's Film Studies program, long in need of an overhaul, has gotten a major boost from two big time local industry experts.
Hollywood directors Kevin Smith and M. Night Shyamalan have agreed to teach classes through the newly-upgraded Film Studies Department this fall.
Smith's Film 228 class will be entitled "Silent Bob on Cinematography," and it will focus on the artistic techniques used in single-camera shots. The New Jersey native will undoubtedly use examples from his five View Askew projects, which jump-started his career and sent him from local artist to A-list director.
"I think it'll be a cool opportunity," Smith said. "A lot of college kids think they want to do stuff like this, but they suck. I want to show them that we all suck at it at first."
Shyamalan will teach a majors-only seminar that will allow students to travel to the various locations in Philadelphia the director has used in his films. "Philly on the Big Screen," which will be listed as Film 365, is only open to students who have taken both film studies courses that are currently offered.
"This city has so much to offer to filmmakers," the Sixth Sense director said. "Penn students deserve an opportunity to explore Philadelphia through a lens."
Both directors credited the University's pending theater deal with National Amusements as a major selling point for them in the negotiations. The University Board of Trustees recently approved an extra $13 million investment into the 40th and Walnut streets project in the hopes that it would seal the deal with the theater company before it declares bankruptcy, for the umpteenth time.
Vice President for Facilities Services and Real Estate Services Omar Blaik said he is confident that the filmmakers will have access to the theater's resources at some point during the fall semester.
"In terms of the new theater deal, we do not see a problem," Blaik said. "And if National Amusements has a problem, we are prepared to unleash John Fry on them. Oh, wait, maybe not."
Film Studies faculty members -- both of them -- said they are excited about their newfound partnership with the prominent directors.
"It's about damn time," Film Studies Professor John Katz said. "It was getting kinda lonely here."
And students have reacted in similar fashion. Smith's class has now become the most requested class on Penn InTouch, surpassing Walter McDougall's seminar on Vietnam and the entire South Asian Regional Studies courseload combined.
"It's Kevin Smith, man! Snootchy Bootchies is so key!" an anonymous stoner reacted. "Dude, if he brings that hot chick from Mallrats in for a day, I'm so gonna bang her. Her, or Boo Boo Kitty Fuck."
"Yeah, Kevin Smith is gonna be cool," College sophomore Mike Biondi added. "But Shyamalan? That's fuckin' clown shoes. They might as well have gotten that guy who used to play Egon in Ghostbusters."
But students who can't get into either class shouldn't fret -- more directors are on the way.
"We're in negotiations with a couple more people for a semester or two," School of Arts and Sciences Dean Sam Preston said. "We're working with Wes Anderson and that guy who directed Office Space. He's very popular with the kids these days."
And for students who can't wait, the Preceptorials Committee has put together several seminars for the fall that are sure to be bigger hits than the ones taught by Blaik and Political Science Professor John DiIulio.
In the biggest coup in the short history of the program, the committee has tapped Meet the Parents director Jay Roach and Academy Award winner Sam Mendes to hold intimate, non-credit preceptorials for interested students.
Preceptorials are the under-attended, overrated extracurricular learning seminars that take up three hours of a student's valuable drinking time over the course of a semester. They are usually taught by pompous faculty members who like to hear themselves speak.
"We thought we were doing well when we got Art Casciato to do the one on the history of the cheesesteak," Committee Chairman Aaron Short said. "But, man, I guess we just got really lucky with these two. Do you want to be in one? Are you sure? Because we've got some... OK, I guess I'll talk to you later then."
In other news, Smith admitted earlier this week to plagiarizing Mallrats from portions of History professor Thomas Childers' Wings of Morning.
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