DPOSTM has own magic at Franklin Field, beats Weenies

The conquering heroes of the Daily Pennsylvanian's Only Staff That Matters came from far and wide on Sunday with one purpose in mind. They were there to remind the Weenies just who runs the show in the annual Kamin Cup football game between the DP sports staff and the rest of the newspaper at Franklin Field. DPOSTM captain Rick "Easy Rider" Haggerty, assistant captain Jesse "Motors" Spector and tailback Andrew "Boo Boo" Margolies flew in that morning from North Carolina. Speedy wideout Kyle Bahr returned from frosty Ithaca, N.Y., as did Sub "Deadline" Stockman. Assistant captain Will "Staples" Ulrich made it back from the wilds of the City Line. But DPOSTM's scheduled starting quarterback for the Kamin Cup, Nick "Barnman" Barnhorst, was nowhere to be found -- he was, we imagine, still languishing in Ohio, face down in the basement of a Columbus frat house. So, it was sophomore Kyle "Three Day" Bender who stepped in under center. It took him some time to get the offense on track -- the Weenies led 9-6 at halftime. But interceptions by Ulrich and Ryan "R" Kelly and stellar secondary play by Tom "Everyman" FitzGibbon, kept DPOSTM (57-2 all-time) in it. At the half, fire and brimstone was delivered by Stockman, who had not only returned from Ithaca, but from a drunken stupor. He was irate that his team was being beaten by a squad of Weenies (2-57), quarterbacked by sports-hating columnist Brian "Southern Crack Baby" Cope. Stockman caught the go-ahead touchdown on a center-eligible pass from Bender, winning the battle of big men in shorts with Enrique "Tomorrow, I'll Play Less Badly" Landa. Scott "Invisible Man" Taffet was a star for DPOSTM at wideout, catching two touchdowns. Bahr also excelled on the DPOSTM flank, constantly outrunning the feeble Weenies' defensive backs. The second-half DPOSTM surge led the favored side to a 19-15 victory. Some ugliness occurred when Cope tackled Ulrich after the DPOSTM leader had intercepted a pass intended for the foolish columnist, who had been relieved of his quarterbacking duties. Cope was removed from the game for the inadequacy of his passes, just as so many wish he could be removed from the DP months ago for the inadequacy of his prose. Always ones to rub it in, DPOSTM called for Weenies co-captain Ben "No Talent" Geldon to get on the field. He lasted all of one play, leaving the Weenies to be carried by a series of ringers, including one mustachioed 35-year-old gentleman whom none had ever seen before. But it didn't matter. Good prevailed again, and DPOSTM held off a late Weenies rally to preserve the win. "The Animal will be back next year," said Weenies co-captain Brett Rose, who this year resembled Max Headroom more than an Animal. The Animal may return next year, but it will surely once again be in defeat. "He can talk all he wants, he looks like he belongs in the '80s," said Haggerty, who closed out his DPOSTM career with a 2-2 Kamin Cup record, although the two losses were clearly caused by longtime DPOSTM jinx Jules "Manhattan Transfer" Dessibourg, who has vowed to never again attend a DPOSTM sporting event for fear of spreading bad luck.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.