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This article appeared in the joke issue. Ron Perelman threatened yesterday to rescind his donation for the Perelman Quadrangle unless University administrators include College Hall as part of the project and rename it the Perelman Pentagon. Perelman, a University Trustee and alumnus who donated $20 million to fund the new student center, said the proposed Perelman Quad "does not make logistical sense" without College Hall. The current plans call for the renovation of Logan, Williams and Houston halls and Irvine Auditorium to create student offices, meeting rooms, eating and lounge areas, and rehearsal and performance space. But in a private meeting yesterday with University President Judith Rodin and Provost Stanley Chodorow in Rodin's College Hall office, Perelman said College Hall -- one of the University's most important buildings -- should naturally be included. "It's just a poor, unreasonable decision to ignore College Hall," Perelman said. "Since it is right in the middle of the project, it should become part of the Pentagon." While yesterday's meeting began peacefully, it quickly became heated when Perelman called the renovations -- one of Chodorow's pet projects -- "absurd." He then said he would not fund Perelman Quadrangle as proposed and stormed out of the building. Late last night, Perelman told The Daily Pennsylvanian that Rodin and Chodorow "have gone batty." He said the University should completely scrap the plans for the Perelman Quad and begin construction on the Perelman Pentagon. A prime focus of Perelman's new proposal would be the devotion of office space in College Hall to the ROTC. He said ROTC has gotten "an inordinate amount of flack" on campus and that the military is a crucial part of society. "The Perelman Pentagon would not only be an incredible center on campus for students, but it would also be a focal point for our country's military," Perelman said. He added that he hopes to recruit the United States Armed Forces to house their operation in College Hall and ultimately wants to have Pentagon officials move to campus. "This incredible institution has always focused on education -- which I admire," Perelman said. "But it's about time that we start giving more attention to national security. There's a lot of dangerous countries out there -- I mean really scary stuff." Perelman would not specify which countries he thinks are the greatest threat to the United States but noted that he has sold many of his homes in China, Bulgaria and even France. In addition to funding the Perelman Pentagon, Perelman said he is willing to provide funds to establish a navy on the Schuylkill River. "We have to be careful nowadays," he said. "We don't want anyone outside our borders to infiltrate Philadelphia. And maybe that navy would do something for crime on campus. We all know that Rodin and company just aren't cutting it." After meeting with Perelman, Rodin and Chodorow were heard complaining about Perelman's militant style. "That guy is the biggest buffoon," Rodin whispered into Chodorow's ear. "College Hall belongs to me. No one else should get it." And Chodorow was seen packing his bags. Destination: unknown.

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