COLUMN: A year of lunacy in U. City

From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '96 From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '96 We all know our parents aren't that intelligent. Sure, we flatter them by listening to their "When I was your age" lectures and we pretend to be awe-struck by their wisdom. We feign fascination with their pointless stories intended to teach us some trivial moral. But though our parents may have the cerebral powers of Forrest Gump, they're not so stupid as to miss what was happening during Family Weekend. Over the past few months, this once-serene neighborhood has become some amalgamation of a freak show and a war zone -- and our parents saw it. Even my father, a man with the dexterity required to perform a Caesarean section operation who cannot find his car keys in the morning, felt the lunacy in the air. Between College senior Patrick Leroy taking a bullet in the back and Vladimir Sled losing his life in a fatal stabbing, Penn this year makes the gory movie Platoon look like a mild Disney flick. In fact, there's a rumor circulating that they're going to film the latest version of Faces of Death right here at Penn! But crime isn't the end of the foolishness that's become synonymous with Penn over the past few weeks. First, Kathy Change immolated herself on College Green in the middle of the day. I'd hate to be the tour guide leading a group of flustered parents and prospective students when that happened. How do you explain it? There's nothing humorous about that poor, disturbed woman taking her own life, but -- let's be honest -- this kind of thing doesn't happen at ordinary colleges. OK, so we could chalk up the Kathy Change incident to the warped reality of a local activist, but what about the Drexel idiots who decided recently to re-enact Stallone's Cliffhanger on Grad Tower B? How stupid do you have to be to hop out of a 13th-story window with a piece of string tied to you? Why would someone want to rappel down Grad Tower B? Haven't they heard of elevators at Drexel? Bungee jumping isn't a sport for the mentally-gifted, but at least there's a chance you'll bounce back up. To make matters worse, the girl that hit the ground was in ROTC. I guess she didn't pay attention during the day they discussed tying knots. And this incident does not increase my confidence in the armed forces. Can you imagine this girl in charge of a reconnaissance mission, in which she has to recover a group of hostages in a Third World country? Picture it: Her helicopter arrives safely on the roof of the building housing the terrified hostages. She promptly unpacks her -- you guessed it -- rappelling equipment, and even more promptly proceeds to fall off the roof of the building. Mission accomplished? I think not. I guess that's the end of that pilot program in which the University lets Drexel students live in Penn's dorms. Anyway, my parents came up for dinner over Family Weekend and were more than happy to head home after our meal. I think they considered themselves lucky to spend three hours at Penn without taking a bullet or looking up to see an airborne student come crashing through the roof of the car. Family Weekend is the two-day period designated for enjoying quality time with our parents. It's a time for alumni to share their Quaker memories. But most of all, it's a time for lying. Students do it -- we hide our empty beer cans, clean the bathroom for the first time this year and scrape the month-old pizza crusts from the floor of the common room. The University does it -- planting flowers on key locations around campus, only to dig them up and return them to the botanical store two days later. But try as we did this year, we just couldn't hide the lunacy that has so overwhelmed our campus in the past few months. Don't get me wrong. I love Penn. I've loved it for the past three-and-a -half years, and I'm going to love it for the next two years I plan to spend here as an undergraduate. (Columnist's note: If my parents read that line, the next time you see me will be at the Amtrak station with a one-way ticket to Baltimore.) I also love Family Weekend. I even love armed robbers and people that jump out of windows. But this year, things have gotten a little out of hand. As diet guru (and woman with a horrendous haircut) Susan Powter used to say before the networks wised up and booted her off the air: "Stop the insanity!" We can't put on this charade for our parents any longer. They're just too damn smart.