COLUMN: The Naked Truth

From Nathan Smith's "North end of the Southbound," Fall '95 From Nathan Smith's "North end of the Southbound," Fall '95I've been reading a great deal about the controversy over one Penn med student's admissions to having modeled for Playboy, and I thought that I should express my sympathy by telling my own tale of lewd and lascivious behavior. You see, I too was once a nude model. And before we go any further I want to state that this article contains no cheesy puns about "my column." With that out of the way, I'll get on with it. I didn't model for photographs -- only for life drawing classes. This seemed a preferable alternative for me, because when I saw the fat roll, love handles, and chicken legs in the renderings, I could blow it off as artistic license or simply poor artistry. As I'm sure the medical student in question is well aware, it's not so easy to dismiss such features on film. Answers to Questions Most Commonly Asked of the Nude Model 1. I'm not sure, but I think it's some kind of infection. 2. It's not hard. Once you see that you're getting paid ten dollars an hour to either stand around, sit around, sleep or even read a book, you overcome your stage fright immediately. 3. No, I don't feel that my profession requires of me a special standard of conduct or morality as does the high and lofty medical profession. You see, English majors (as well as journalists and especially Education Grad students) are known to be slimy, backhanded weasels who will do anything they can for money. Given that mine is a combination of these three lowly professions, what chance could I ever have of maintaining such a spotless past as certain judgmental med students might think appropriate? None, thank goodness. Instead I'm just another carefree individual who does what he can to get by, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. 4. No, no, no, no! Getting aroused while modeling is not only avoidable, it's just about impossible! Imagine if you will, being buck naked in front of twenty or so art students, who all have their eyes fixed upon your every physical imperfection. They all have these very serious expressions on their faces; for them it's like taking an exam. On top of these rather clinical conditions, it's about forty-five degrees in the studio, and certain parts of your anatomy need warmth so desperately that they have retreated all the way up into your throat, leaving you looking as well endowed as a eunuch. If you do find this arousing (in other words, if you are even more perverted and twisted than I am, which seems to me impossible,) I wouldn't rush off and sign up. It seems at my last job there was one exhibitionist individual who disrupted class with his?er?impropriety, and the teacher employed the standard method for putting a stop to it. All the students stopped drawing and waited, as impatiently as possible, for the model to regain some composure. Needless, to say, even this weirdo found it a bit unnerving. 5. No, I'm not available tonight for a private session! I'm a professional employee of the University art department. I don't work freelance?or maybe I should rephrase that. I don't work unless it's in a professional atmosphere. 6. No, I don't feel like a sex object, or like I'm being used for my body, or like some sort of institutionalized prostitute. You see, as someone with the artistic talent equivalent to a blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth, this is the only way I can get in on the art scene. I enjoy the brief reviews of art history at the beginning of class, where I get paid to take a lesson in art technique. And if it weren't for this occupation, how could I contribute to obscene arts and the offending of conservative congressman? I've been receiving state funds for two years to get naked! What better way to reap the benefits of democracy? Alas, I'm the last of a dying breed in that respect, for with the coming cutbacks that will hit the educational system in all the wrong places, art programs will be the first on the chopping block. Oh well, as Gingrich and Co. would exclaim, "Who needs all that art stuff anyway; sure they contribute to the development of culture and the opening of people's minds, but what has that got to do with making piles of money?" 7. Yes, it is weird to see people from the class walking on campus. There are basically three reactions. There's the common reaction of not acknowledging me as they pass, for fear they might have to talk to me or even say hello, which would transform me from an object to be drawn into a real thinking person who is aware of his own vulnerability (as the only nude person in the room). This is a harmless reaction. The second, and less common type comes from those individuals who either don't or pretend not to care; they treat me like any other student in the class. This I prefer, because I like to meet all kinds of people. Finally, there's the type that approaches you and talks about what a perfect body you have, all the time looking you up and down, remembering how you look under your clothes, and then on parting slips you her phone number. This has never happened, but I like to fantasize that people could get that desperate. So there you have it, all the questions you've ever wanted answered but were afraid to ask. I hope that my readers, professors and colleagues won't look down upon me for these candid admissions, or judge me morally unworthy of a doctorate in education. Of course, many of them get naked for free at the GSE socials despite vociferous objections (given enough free wine), so they can't speak too harshly without condemning themselves. And as for the med student who posed for Playboy, let me just say this -- I can't imagine anything more pleasant and comforting than being anesthetized by a Playboy centerfold before undergoing a life threatening operation. In fact, most people (particularly, those who subscribe) would pay extra for just such a service, or even undergo an unnecessary operation in order to experience it. And as a postscript to Marcus Lien, the critical med student, I have only this philosophical stance to give in defense of such behavior, a stance which has been propounded by Greeks, Romans and modern existentialists in many more complex and compelling forms: "Party Naked!"