COLUMN: "I Had a Good Life"

From Jamil Smith's "Invisible Man On Assignment," Fall '95 From Jamil Smith's "Invisible Man On Assignment," Fall '95Editor's Note: Jamil Smith is writing his column from abroad in London this semester. From Jamil Smith's "Invisible Man On Assignment," Fall '95Editor's Note: Jamil Smith is writing his column from abroad in London this semester.As these words fall upon this page, it is under the weight of a heavy heart. Considering where I presently am, one reasonably could expect to hear accounts of traveling to and living in a foreign culture. But there is a much longer, much From Jamil Smith's "Invisible Man On Assignment," Fall '95Editor's Note: Jamil Smith is writing his column from abroad in London this semester.As these words fall upon this page, it is under the weight of a heavy heart. Considering where I presently am, one reasonably could expect to hear accounts of traveling to and living in a foreign culture. But there is a much longer, much more significant journey that I was reminded of in the first week of September. On September 4, just 19 days shy of the birthdate which he and I shared, Papa passed on to glory. When my mother let me know, she repeated a phrase from Papa's interview that has been ingrained in my mind and prompted me to put pen to paper: "I had a good life." There are several things that one can take from that sentence. It initially brought upon a feeling of ease when it was needed. If Papa was satisfied with his life, why should I worry? However, Papa's passing on, along with my uncle Ronnie's death from cancer in May, has made me think about death and the life hereafter in a way in which I never have before. Depending upon your religious beliefs of lack thereof, you may differ with me about what happens to us when earthly life ends. Remembering that these thoughts are mine alone, keep in mind that evangelism is not my purpose here. One of the things that these passings in my family have done is to make me truly fear death for the first time. Fear, as I learned a while ago, is not necessarily a bad thing. Fear is one of the best methods of self-preservation. A person who has absolutely no fear of losing her or his life either feels that their soul is prepared for heaven or that there is nothing to live for. I felt that I didn't fit into either of those categories, so I always assumed that I should do my very best to avoid getting killed. If I'm not mistaken, this is a trend that's spreading across the world. However, as we all get caught up in trying to avoid the unknown, many of us may forget about the certain grief and sorrow that would follow after our death. I came to realize that I feared death not because I feared what lay ahead for me, but because I would be leaving my family behind to mourn. The thought of passing on before my parents is a thought that haunts me almost daily. Having seen my grandmother lay a son and her father to rest in the same summer makes me want to keep pressing on if only for the sake of those that love me. I began to ask myself, if I were to pass on at this moment, would I be able to echo Papa's words? Would you be honestly able to say, "I had a good life" if that life was taken away from you today? The answer lies in how content you are with your life. Removing all of the so-called trimmings from your existence -- the ability to go to a university, a car, parents who make a reasonably good living, etc. -- do you think that you could be happy with with what would be left? I used to think that I could never be content with any less than what I already had. Until I learned of the strength and pride of those like my great-grandfather, my mind could not visualize contentment without all things material such as college degrees and a decent living. These recent passings in my family have made me realize that many of the goals of our generation are superficial in comparison to the love expressed to you by your family and friends. Of course, that is not to say that the achievement of personal goals adds nothing to your life. It would be impractical and silly to say that earning one or several collegiate degrees isn't worth anything to a person's well-being. However, neither these degrees nor the money which comes afterwards can guarantee that a person will lead a life with which they are content. One can see through lives like Papa's -- one filled with several hardships -- that money and other material goals aren't what it's all about. At the memorial service, it is unlikely that your family will mention whether or not you were able to put a Porsche in the garage. Perhaps that is why I, as a child and young adult, never seemed interested in what Papa used to do for a living or exactly when he moved out of Mississippi. I just loved him and he loved me back; that was enough. The time that I spent with him will always be with me, whereas the $5 and $10 bills that he often placed in my hands made only a short pit stop in my wallet. Papa lived a good life mainly because he was loved and he returned that love without hesitation. Living a "good life" is not something that we can consciously set out to do. We cannot plan it out, as many of us seem to think. One might argue that we are all free to determine what makes a "good life" in our own view. Fashion your concept however you like, but it is impossible to ignore what people like Papa show us. All of us here at the University have been blessed to be able to study here, without question. But it is what we do with our other blessings that will make the real difference in our lives here on Earth. Even though I wish we could have celebrated one more birthday together, I take comfort in knowing that Papa gave himself to the Lord feeling that he had a good life. I can only hope that I will be able to do the same when my time comes.