IVY ROUNDUPS: Books, Brown, dynasty, Bumbling QBs and Kickers

Franklin Field bustled with enthusiasm. Those bigwigs covering the game from Sports Illustrated and the Philadelphia Inquirer saw this game as the ultimate oxymoron: A big Ivy League football game. And to those folks the game lived up to its billings. The teenagers roaming around while Mom and Dad returned to campus and reminisced about Smoke's provided the oxy, and Keith Elias provided the moron. To us here at Ivy Roundup, however, every Ivy game is a colossal affair deserving blanket coverage. So let's get it on. He was supposed to be Superman on the football field. All week before the Penn-Princeton game, however, Princeton's Keith Eliass acted like somebody had placed kryptonite inside his textbooks. For those of you who missed it, here is Mr. Eliass's quote from last week. "[My schoolwork] is slipping a little at this point," the budding genius stated. "But I guess I'll try to pick that up after the season. I sort of put that on hold right now, because you can't do it all. I want to make sure I'm focused for the game. I know some other guys on the team – they'll stay up all night trying to catch up on their work – and I'm just not going to do that. I can't afford to do that." Keith made this statement after claiming that half the Penn team couldn't get into Princeton. Let us here at Ivy Roundup spell it out for you Keith since you probably have a hard time spelling. You can't afford not to catch up on your schoolwork. Why not? Because the supposed Superman smacked into a whole pocket full of kryptonite otherwise known as the Penn defense. Those "dumb jocks" were spinning your ass around all day. Your measly 59 yards on fifteen carries would have been embarrassing enough for most, but not you Keith. You made a further idiot of yourself by sporting a mohawk. Sorry Keith, but looking like the guy from the A Team won't get you A's. Even at Princeton. For those wondering, Eliass's "barber" was none other than Tiger quarterback Joel Foote. See, everything is relative. Foote's quarterbacking skills are excellent compared to his hair-chopping talents. Too bad he is such a poor barber or he could have opened up a shop with Keith, because Elias certainly doesn't have an NFL career ahead of him. Maybe Foote fumbled all those snaps because his hands were sticky from all the gel he was busy putting in Elias's mohawk. Or maybe he just sucks. Elias explained that the mohawk was a sign of dedication, and that he never lost a game after getting mohawked. Well Keith, you probably never lost a game after chugging cooking oil, but were you going to do that for good luck? Speaking of chugging, we here at Roundup hope you didn't drink away your bad game Keith. We all know alcohol kills brain cells, which means the poor alcohol in your head would be wandering around with nothing to do. If you think the sports editors at the DP exaggerate things slightly (Friday's headline: Game of The Century Tomorrow) then you haven't talked to the staff at the Brown Daily Herald after Brown defeated Harvard 43-29. "We kicked their ass, because we are excellent," the misguided Brown student said. The Brownie was given some reasons, however, to confuse his team with an excellent one. The Bears racked up 43 points, the highest output by a Brown team in seven years. The Bears' scoreboard splurge was led by Roundup's second favorite signal caller – Trevor Yankoff. Yankoff's two touchdown passes led the the Bears to 32 first-half points, and mayhem almost broke lose. The Brown administration met to consider instituting a math requirement so the students could keep up with the scoring pace. Yankoff, however, wore himself out and didn't get it up in the air as much in the second half. The Bears scoring pace abated, so consequently Brown students do not face this addition to their rigid curriculum. Brown tailback Marquis "Uncle" Jessie continued his impressive freshman season with 133 yards on 31 carries. While Jessie's strong running gives Brown hope for the future, those at the Daily Herald are still convinced they were not so bad in the past. "Brown has always been a good team knocking on the door of a win, and we came through," our Brown buddy continued. "If you keep knocking someday the door will open and you will win." This guy makes Beavis sound smart. Heck this guy makes Keith Elias look like he has a clue. Nah. Brown fans can take a lesson from their counterparts at Columbia – realize when you suck. "Our offense played the best it has all season," reported our colleague at the Columbia Spectator. "We still lost, but this is Columbia so what do you expect?" With starting quarterback Chad Andrejewski injured for the season, the Lions tried a quarterback rotation. Mike Cavanaugh ran the option for the Lions, and James Schwalbe was the designated passer. The only flaw in the Lions' plan was that the designated passer threw four interceptions, and the option quarterback contributed one. Let us here at Roundup remind you this was Columbia's best offensive performance of the season. Cornell coach Jim Hofher's kicking game is worse than Keith Elias's haircut. Yale ventured past midfield only twice during the Big Red's 21-0 victory. The first time was when the Elis returned the opening kickoff past midfield. Yale's deepest penetration into Big Red territory, however, came when Cornell punter Geoff Cochrane shanked a punt. The boot went off the side of his foot and gave Yale possession at the Cornell 31. The placekicking has been even worse for Cornell. It was so bad that the Cornell Daily Sun, in its joke issue, reported that coach Hofher had a year of eligibility remaining and that he was returning as the team's kicker. The coach played along with the prank, donning a helmet to acknowledge his team's inept kicking. Tim McDermott missed his only field goal this week, a 30 yarder, but he is considered the best kicker. The best thing the Daily Sun could say about McDermott is that he "is pretty consistent on extra points and even that is an adventure." Coach Hofher himself said, "For those of you haven't followed our team, we haven't exactly led the nation in kicking." Two weeks ago when the Big Red travelled to Dartmouth the Big Green returned a blocked PAT all they way for a two-point conversion to provide the final margin of victory. Saturday, against Yale however the poor kicking didn't matter because Yale could not run the ball. The Elis managed 20 yards on 34 carries. Twice, Penn's Terrance Stokes doubled this output on a single carry. Yale's passing game was not much better as the Elis managed just 131 yards. All this could mean the balance of power is shifting in the Ivy League. We at Roundup admittedly wrestle with new ideas, after all it is easy to fill space by saying Brown sucks. So, because it might be the last time we can say this for awhile. Brown sucks. But Elias swallows.