IVY ROUNDUP: Penn streajks; Columbia still sucks; Elias rides pine

Streaks abound in the Ivy League this week. We here at Ivy Roundup have seen Penn fans streaking at Princeton, Columbia's streak of sucking and two Ancient Eight grads with ignominious streaks of their own. Without further ado, away Ivy Roundup goes? · Streak of the Week A triumvirate of dedicated Penn fans, bored at halftime with Penn's 33-19 spaying of the Princeton Kittens -- er, Tigers -- decided perhaps a little nudity would spice up the show. The plan, sophomore J.B. Cohen said, was to "meet up on the other side of the fence at the opposite end of the field and get dressed again." Things went awry when a plethora of men in blue began to chase the hooligans, who were busy bobbing and weaving their way through the Princeton band, ugly outfits and all. As Penn and Princeton faithful alike cheered them on, Cohen, and seniors Chris Pinkham and Gino Rancollo, began to juke police officers and Princeton officials on their way to the end of the field. Why did they do it? "I wasn't even drunk," said Cohen, who last year streaked a Penn Six show. "I just love getting naked." Apparently unfazed by the high-ranking Penn officials in attendance, Pinkham was asked how he felt knowing Penn's Vice Provost witnessed "his stunt." Pinkham's reply: "I think that's pretty cool." As police officers booted the three out of the stadium, they were told they "are never welcome back at Princeton again, not even for the basketball game." "That's alright," Cohen retorted. "It will be a blowout anyway." As they awaited the completion of the contest in the parking lot, they were, according to Cohen and Rancollo, "offered congratulations and beer by everyone, including parents with small children." Apparently, Princeton faithful do recognize a talented act when they see one. Penn's three streakers provided louder cheers than any of Princeton's few-and-far-between football highlights. · Columbia Sucks Streak Story of the Week Alas, poor Columbia. We here at Ivy Roundup are embarrassed for the not-so-mighty Lions. After all, they truly do suck. Let's go back 23 football seasons in time, back to 1971. Sideburns were cool, and Richard Nixon was still immensely popular. (Ah, how things change.) In this pristine year, the Columbia football team experienced its last winning season. Quick warp back to today, where the 4-3-1 Lions (2-3 Ivy League) are involved in a six-way tie for third in the Ancient Eight and immersed in their own battle to finish above .500 (soon to be aptly renamed "the Columbia line"). Let's examine the Columbia-Dartmouth game: Columbia scored a six-pointer. (It had been so long, The Columbia Spectator actually forgot they were called touchdowns.) Columbia coach Ray Tellier, still dizzy from the unfamiliarity of his team's TD, went for two and the win -- to ensure the winning season and end the ignominious streak. DP Executive Editor Jordana Horn could have led a team of three-year-olds into the end zone, unless she were suited up in Columbia's stolen-from-the-Smurfs colors of Smurf Blue and White. The two-point conversion failed. Shocker. God, having abandoned the Quakers this season (aware that not even divine intervention could prevent another Ivy championship), afforded the Lions one more miracle -- an onside kick recovery, much to the delight of the Columbia scribes who still recalled this gives you possession of the ball. "Yeah, our kicker can kick the ball 50 feet in the air, 12 yards downfield," our wary Columbia Spectator source said. In Ghostbusters, a drunken Bill Murray (a.k.a. Peter Venkman) claimed, as only he can: "For whatever reason, call it fate, call it luck, call it karma, I believe that everything happens for a reason." Relating this quote to this weekend's Ancient Eight gridiron action, the only reason Columbia recovered the onside kick was to yet again demonstrate that its football team sucks. Through utter incompetence (have we mentioned suckiness?), Columbia did not score. In 1 minute, 53 seconds, Columbia moved the ball seven yards. As this paltry showing of pure ineptitude was going on, a rarity occurred on the sidelines -- someone actually got on the Columbia band. Columbia President George Rupp actually mounted the band, which was arranged in pyramid formation. Nevertheless, Columbia continued to suck. That leaves us with a few questions: 1) If Emmitt Smith, Joe Montana and Jerry Rice all played for Columbia at the same time, could they score a touchdown? 2) Can Columbia, with games against Brown and Cornell, actually come up with the one win needed to provide the third winning season in Harlem (Globetrotters aside) since before JFK's assassination? 3) Anyone know God's schedule for the next two weeks? · Streak III of the Week Speaking of streaks, Keith Elias' streak of games during which he has picked splinters out of his posterior has reached nine. Following a recent Giants loss, Elias was asked why he has not played a single down by a source formerly close to Roundup. Elias told the source he is angry with the coaches: "The @#$%^& coaches hate me. I hate the @#$%^& coaches. I am too @#$%^& good to be not playing." Sound like John Elway? That's where the similarity ends. Evidently, Giants head coach Dan Reeves has observed something we here at Roundup have known for a while: Elias sucks. On yet another Roundup time warp, we go back to Nov. 6, 1993, when Princeton, boasting an ever-sucky Elias in its backfield, played Penn. As you'll recall, even Sports Illustrated noticed how crappy Elias is. Apparently, the pros have finally noticed it, too. Maybe Elias could shave his head again. At least then he'd look as bad as he plays. Dan Reeves was unavailable for comment. · Final Streak of the Week While we're on the topic of washed-up has-beens, Jay Fiedler has still yet to touch an official NFL football except when Randall Cunningham orders him to hold it (with the clipboard). Fiedler could actually share anal-splinter removing tips with Elias, the two of whom own the best season tickets around. It has been so long since Fiedler has thrown he has actually forgotten how to move his arm (apart from his wrist). Kotite stuck with Cunningham, proving he recognizes Fiedler's lack of talent. We here at Roundup have taken the time to consider possible career choices for these two NFL never-will-be starters. Elias, hair maven, could very easily work at the barber shop located next to WaWa on 37th street. Fiedler's wrist strength is his marketable talent, leaving him with one clear option -- car washing. He's good at that wiping motion.