GUEST COLUMN: "GAC Attack–the Death of Greek Social Life

Most people have no concept of what it takes to throw a fraternity party. They envision a couple of brothers getting together, buying a few kegs, and then hitting on every inebriated female within striking distance. Maybe that's how it used to be, but not anymore. Nowadays it takes a great deal more effort to put together a party and procure drunk women to harass, thanks to the Greek Alumni Council and the University's beloved Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs. How do I know? I'm a social chair -- or as those in Greek life call us -- one of the imbeciles who lets himself be talked into financial liability for several hundred drunk college students. We've all heard a great deal of discussion about the new rules. For example, "They suck. Screw OFSA. Screw the GAC. Fuck OFSA. Fuck the GAC," and so on. Although these ideological criticisms have led to a great deal of discussion, as criticisms tend to do, no one has yet brought up the legal aspect of this debate: does the University have the legal right to interfere with students' social lives? Frankly, I have no idea. But through some keen insights raised during a productive discussion with my colleagues (other imbeciles), I will attempt to comprehend the logistics of their actions. In the days of yesteryear, when we were still enjoying the secondary educational system, many of us were unable to leave campus during lunch hour because of a well known combination of Latin words, en loco parentis, meaning of course, "in place of parents." As our legal guardians for six and a half hours a day, our schools were financially liable for our well-beings, making them enormous imbeciles. If we had left campus and suffered some sort of injury, let's say death, the school would have had to pay for the floral arrangements at our funerals. The result of this rule was that everyone spent a great deal of time cutting class, running to Mickey D's, then eating that cholesterol-laden food during lunch period, as if our mothers had packed us a Big Mac, large fries, and a Coke. Except for a few cases of clogged arteries, no one was ever harmed. But let's say that the GAC and OFSA don't really care about our well-beings, and the thing that really concerns them are the skyrocketing insurance rates for fraternities and sororities. Why are these rates expanding like a freshman's waistline? Well, it's due to the past behavior of the same people who are currently running the GAC and OFSA. Many of these individuals attended college in the seventies and eighties, a period long acknowledged as the "Accidental Death Era." It was a time of peace, a time of war, a time for people to drink themselves to death and a time for people to force others to drink themselves to death. That's right, many of these people were in the Greek system. Fortunately, alcohol hazing was banned. I can honestly say that the ban is strictly enforced by most fraternities, excluding ones that play lacrosse. But the ban wasn't enough for the powers that be, so they introduced the "No Community Sources of Alcohol" restriction, which was created to prevent people from drinking out of the same cup and swallowing each other's backwash, or something like that. Still, it wasn't enough for the GAC and OFSA. That's how we arrived at our current policy. We are paying for the sins of our mothers and fathers, those of us who have them. Because of their misdeeds we must suffer the consequences -- skyrocketing insurance rates. But that still doesn't answer the question, is it legal for the University to make and enforce such rules? After all, it was they who barred the Palladium from serving alcohol on their terrace, although their legal right to do so remains rather murky. (The University itself provided alcohol to alumni on the field next to High Rise North. Can you say "hypocrite" boys and girls? I knew that you could.) It turns out that it isn't legal for the University to create such rules if they do not own the property being used for the party. Unfortunately, they aren't the ones who are making them, and the ones who are can do so legally. It's the GAC who is at fault here. Although it is obvious that the University, in the form of OFSA, applied a great deal of pressure in creating the new policy, in the end it was our own brothers and sisters who betrayed us. So what will be the result of all this policy making? Will the Greek system die a slow and ugly death, with fraternity houses being replaced by Women's Centers and coffee houses? Or, will the parties move off campus? The answer to that is before our very eyes. Club Europa, Dr. Seuss, and a million other groups have sponsored their own celebrations of Dionysius. Nothing has changed, other than a resource like the Greek system, which brought students across campus together for at least a few nights night a week, is being edged out of sight. Bottom line, a couple more years and we Greeks will be sitting around drinking tea and crocheting afghans. It makes me want to puke. To combat the unfairness, every house should get together for one big keg fest before the end of this year. We can even invite members of the GAC and OFSA -- after all, they're not total assholes. Dan Schwab is a junior English major from Lower Merion, Pennsylvania. He is Executive Editor of Punch Bowl Humor Magazine.

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