COLUMN: "Going In Circles"

From Chris Geisel's "A Crafty Trilobyte," Fall '92 Millions of Americans have taken similar tests, ever since certain factory owners discovered a new method of production that was faster and more inexpensive than the old ways. The new method required each worker to repeat a single function over and over. Many different workers contributed to a single product. The factory owners discovered that having a standard product simplified selling because everyone knew exactly what he was getting. More importantly, it simplified buying, because a standard price could confidently be affixed to every single item produced. Every item was guaranteed to be exactly like the standard, every single time. At least, that was the theory. At about the same time, theories became important. They were a standard way of writing down clever ideas. Much of my education has involved learning and remembering other people's theories. Over 100 years have passed since factory owners started needing to test Americans. There are theories about almost every aspect of human life. Theories try to explain the world. When someone gives away a quarter, psychology theories explain that he does it in the hope that someday, someone will give him a quarter. When someone looks out at the night sky and wonders about the galaxies, astronomy theories explain that the universe was created in the Big Bang. When homing pigeons return unerringly time after time to their nests, biology theories explain that instinct. Some theories are better than others. The various theories are grouped together into categories known as "The Arts" and "The Sciences." The Sciences are the groups of theories that were invented since the late 1800s, to speed up production. The Arts are those theories that have been around since before then, which people had invented to occupy their time when they weren't getting food to eat. Now, the Arts and Sciences are both used for the same thing: to get food to eat. The reason why factory owners began giving tests to children was not simply because of the new theories of production. They worked just fine. But what they found out was that the men who learned to do one thing over and over didn't always do it exactly the same every time. Sometimes they'd cut something, often a gun barrel or a table leg, a little too long or a little too short. And sometimes they'd get drunk and come in late and not cut anything at all. They were unreliable. Factory owners discovered that a machine could cut exactly the same every time. They started testing for children who would grow up to be engineers and design machines. At first these engineers didn't have a lot of theories to help them out, so not every job had a machine designed for it right away. However, factory owners discovered that if humans were moved, ordered and encouraged to be like machines, they operated almost as well as machines, at least until the engineers could design a replacement. They started testing for children who would grow up and control these machine-like humans. They started testing for managers. College is where the children who scored well on the factory owners' tests get to go to be trained to become managers and engineers. Another name for college could be Manager and Engineer Training School. To get into college, you had to have good grades in high school. Grades are ratings given out by some of the lowest paid managers: teachers. Grades are considered very important. Teachers are not considered particularly important. Another thing which is considered very important is the Scholastic Aptitude Test. This standard test is widely believed to accurately predict intelligence and future success. The SAT is multiple choice. Millions of high school students choose their best answer and fill in the corresponding oval with pencil lead. The darkened ovals are then "read" by an electronic machine which compares the marks to a template with the correct pattern. The closer you come to the correct pattern, the higher you score. Actually, the pencil lead that millions of children use to fill in millions of ovals on millions of standardized tests is really graphite, but it was lead back when factory owners first started needing to test for managers and engineers, so people keep calling it lead. It is habit. The reason the SAT became so popular is because a high score virtually ensure admission to college. And, it is assumed, a bright future as a manager or engineer. The reason so many Americans want to become managers and engineers is because of the factory owners and their theories. When these theories were first applied, humans began seeing possibilities of production unheard of in the past. The idea of machine-like humans really caught the imagination of Americans, who wanted the wealth, power and standardized consumer goods that the theories promised. Americans behaved like machines -- but instead of becoming a large population of content, machine-like humans who enjoyed doing one thing over and over again, they felt sick. Nowadays, experts have decided on standards for almost everything. A standard is an imaginary ideal. A standard is a design for a machine. I keep taking standardized tests, and I keep feeling sick. And the truth is, I keep wanting to score exactly like the template on the machine. It's habit. Chris Geisel is a senior English major from Arkham, Massachusetts. "A Crafty Trilobyte" appears alternate Mondays.