COLUMN: "A Debate To End All Debates"

From Paul LaMonica's "A Room With A View," Fall '92 No cameras were allowed. No audience was present. The candidates played by my rules -- they spoke only when I addressed them. I asked them about issues relevant to the Penn community and Philadelphia. Their responses, printed in this column, are what the candidates actually said. Verbatim. No misquotes here. I have the tapes to prove it. Me: Mr. President, the question on every American's mind is about the economy. What will you do about it? George: Paul, now that's a good question. I know that the voters are upset. Economy, bad. Voters, not satisfied with government. But, it's not my fault. Didn't do it. Yeah. Not gonna do it. Stay the course. Kenn-e-bunk-port! Me: Excuse me Mr. President, but what the hell did you just say? George: Read my lips. Let me reiterate. Thousand points of light. Recession. Don't know it. Never was in one. Clinton's integrity. Questionable. Avoided draft. Wouldn't be prudent. Uhh. Me: Thank you. I forgot. You went to Yale. I shouldn't have expected any thought provoking comments. Bill: Hey! I went to Yale Law School! Me: Is it your turn, Governor? I don't think so. Why don't you just inhale and relax? Now Mr. Vice-President, if you look around this campus, you see a school that is surrounded by the problems of urban society. There is crime, homelessness and poverty. What could we as students do to help the people of this city and what will the federal government do for America's cities in general? Dan: Paul, I think that it is obvious that the failed liberal policies of Mario Cuomo are the reason why you students here at Columbia live in such a poor environment. Me: Mr. Vice President, this is Philadelphia. We're at the University of Pennsylvania. Dan: Oh. Doesn't a, uh, Democrat run this city? Me: Yes. Ed Rendell, a Penn graduate, is the mayor. Dan: Well, it must be his fault then. Me: He was just elected a year ago! You went to public school, didn't you Danny? Silly me. Please shut up because you're at a huge disadvantage here. Now stop pouting or it will be no milk and cookies for you later. Governor Clinton, you've had to defend your character throughout the campaign. So deep down inside, it really, really hurts to have to ask you this -- I'm just doing my job. Did you or did you not secretly fly this summer to Brazil in order to engage in a romantic tryst of "Lust in the Dust" with Penn's own Sybil of "Hustler" fame? Bill: Lies, lies. Gennifer, I mean, Hillary can tell you that I have never been to Brazil. Me: Come on now. I have pictures of a man that clearly resembles you, in compromising positions with Sybil. They were taken in Rio this August. Tell the truth. That man is either you or Elvis Presley. Bill: I don't have to answer that. I won't answer that. Me: Sorry Bill. Well, I guess if these new accusations cause you to lose, you could still pursue a musical career. I saw you on Arsenio. Do you play tenor sax? Our Wind Ensemble needs one. I'm sure you could get in if you practice. Okay now, Senator Gore . . . Al: . . . You can call me Al, Paul. Me: Ha, ha. Paul Simon allusion. Cool. Al, your record on environmental issues is among the best in Congress. You have a lot of foreign policy experience and you are extremely intelligent. Senator, would you mind if I voted for you for president instead? Sorry, Governor. Seriously, I have one question for you. (At this point, I walked over to my stereo and turned it on. Loud music flooded the room, music that had profane words in it. I shouted so Al could hear.) Me: I LIKE THIS STUFF. CAN YOU ASSURE ME THAT TIPPER WILL LEAVE ME ALONE? YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE CONSTITUTION. TRY SHOWING HER THE FIRST AMENDMENT. (At this moment, my neighbor started pounding on the door until I answered it.) Neighbor: Could you keep it down? I'm trying to watch the football game! Hey, these your relatives? I didn't know it was Parents Weekend yet . . . (Exit clueless neighbor. His royal Ross-ness was next.) Me: Mr. Perot, corruption and unethical behavior is prevalent in our government and all levels of our society. Just recently at Penn a professor was demoted for plagiarism. How would you combat corruption if elected? Ross: Solution is eee-asy. I haven't thought about it much, though. You see, let's take the case of copying someone else's work. If I were in charge, I'd have private investigators watching y'all. That professor would 'uh been caught the moment he thought 'bout plagiarizing. Me: Isn't that kind of Orwellian, Mr. Perot? Ross: Orwhoolian? You northern boys like making up new words to try to make this Texan look dumb, don'tcha? There would be no corruption in my administration. Isn't it worth giving up just a few civil liberties to get a government that worked for you people? Me: Yeah, okay Ross. Did you ever read Mein Kampf? It sounds like your policy platform. James: I've read it, in German. Me: Mr. Stockwell, I bet you have. You are a very learned scholar. Greek philosophy is one of your major interests. Attended Stanford, I see. Not your stereotypical military man. The only bad thing I can think of about you is your name. Mind if I call you .007? Shaken, not stirred. Ha, ha! Seriously, how did you get involved in this comedy? Wouldn't you rather teach here? James: I don't know. I guess I just owe Ross. Didn't Socrates say, "Stand by your man"? Me: I don't think so. But that is so touching. That concludes our forum. (The candidates, thankful that they could finally escape my grilling questions, were about to leave. Suddenly my roommate, Dave, burst in with a tennis racket in one hand and a collection of papers in the other.) Dave: You! Twelve years, Mr. President, and what happened to the middle class? What did you do for my family and me? Student Financial Services just cut all my aid! I'm going to kill you! (He jumped across the room and tackled the president. He was bashing Mr. Bush's head with the tennis racket. After a cup of coffee, it took all my strength to get him away from the President.) · My roommate walked into the bedroom muttering something about John Hinckley. That really happened. Honest. True, you're probably no closer now to make up your mind about who to vote for than you were before, but, I can say that regardless of who wins on November 3rd we'll all have much to make fun of for the next four years. And besides, isn't that what really matters? Paul LaMonica is a sophomore Psychology major from North Babylon, New York. "A Room With A View" appears alternate Tuesdays.