COLUMN: "Would You Date This Man?"

From Nathaniel Cade's "The Sheriff of Ridge Rock," Fall '92 I've often wondered why, if I can make big money doing what the person on television tells me to, why doesn't she do it herself? The worst advice, though, comes from those love/romance people. You know who they are. They are the family and friends who annoy the hell out of us single folks by constantly asking us "Why don't you have a girlfriend?", telling us where to meet men and women, etc. Yes, I admit that I am just as guilty, although I am not one of them. But I often wonder that if my methods don't work, might theirs? After all, how do you meet the person of your dreams, or at least your night? My dad argues that pretty women sit home at night waiting for guys -- presumably me -- to call them, and these women don't get dates because guys are afraid to ask them out. Well, maybe Dad is right. The only problem is to get their phone number so you can call them at home while they are there, lonely, waiting for a guy like me to ask them out. So much for that advice. A friend of mine, Woody, tells me that the trick is to "not give a damn." Basically, if you just stop caring altogether about meeting Mr./Ms. Right, they will come running to your door. This is a small variation to the "if one looks, one will never find an argument." I know what you are saying. This sounds really stupid. But tell that to Howie. I told him Woody's method and he became a believer in this new philosophy. A few weeks later -- BAM!!! -- he hooks up and still continues to go out with her a couple of months later. So I tried it. Nothing. Angela tells me that I am too nice; that is, a nice guy. Hint: Try not to be, at least not in college. We really do finish last. Angela's philosophy is that it is all attitude. Women, to Angela, like to be treated like shit for a few years -- yes, those formidable college ones -- before they wake up and get a clue. If I act like an asshole/jerk, I'll be swimming in phone numbers. Hell, why not, I've seen it work in Smoke's myself. There is only one problem. I don't know how to be an asshole. I guess you had to take a class or something when you were younger. Thanks, Mom. No little league and now this. My boss believes that the secret is for me to pretend that I have a girlfriend at another school. That way, other women will think that I am desirable. This is really quite easy to do. In fact, most of you have done it. You tell someone on your floor that "you have someone at home." All you really need is a good story, a picture of some distant cousin with their arms around you and a social security number. My only problem is that my picture with my cousin was taken when I was eight. Mik offers the concept of "Bushido." It is the Japanese Samurai code of honor. Basically, the idea is a belief that "today is a good day to die." It is that crazy stuff Lieutenant Worf constantly talks about on "Star Trek: The Next Generation." This means that when you see that person of your desire, you are to go up and introduce yourself, talk, make love . . . whatever. If you get slapped or embarrassed, it is okay because you have proven yourself to be a warrior. Not! Lisa and Dana both tell me that you shouldn't try to meet that special someone in a bar or dance club. They believe that the person might be sleazy and it is better to look for someone who is lacking that certain moral turpitude. They argue that you should try to meet them in the library or in a class. That way, you will be able to slowly get to know them before you dive headfirst into love and passion. I've often wondered why I see couples go at each other in the middle of the floor in Furness Library or Rosengarten Reserve. It must be the smell of dusty books or something. My advice to all the thousands of losers at lover is for us to all form a club just so that we can fall in love with someone in the group, only to get the Heisman. (The Heisman is in reference to the college football trophy. When your love advances are spurned, especially with the "I just want to be friends . . . " line, you get the Heisman. Hell, I've won it so many times, I should be the highest paid player ever.) In all seriousness, I advocate for you to enjoy yourself and buy a beer. Buy me a beer. Soon you will have to go to make a living in the real world. Why bother trying to be in love? It is too expensive anyway. Besides, you really didn't expect to meet that dream person here at Penn, did you? Nathaniel Cade is a senior Economics and Political Science major from Detroit, Michigan. "The Sheriff of Ridge Rock" will appear alternate Thursdays.