COLUMN: "Top Five Answers On the Board"

From Chris Geisel's "A Crafty Trilobyte," Fall '92 "The Jones Family is correct! 52 percent of those surveyed said they watch T.V. in their spare time." "Too bad, Geisel family, only three percent said they read poetry, but we have lovely parting gifts . . . " The closer your answers are to the answers of a majority of the "100 people surveyed," the more points you get. Most of the questions are timed, too, so you don't have a chance to figure out what the answer is after you realize your family deviates somewhat from the norm. Just blurt out whatever is on your mind, and you better hope it is right. If you give an answer that is completely off-base, a huge "X" flashes and a buzzer sounds. After three strikes -- how American! -- you and your kin are sent to the purgatory of "Lovely Parting Gifts." For example, you may receive a copy of the home version of "Family Feud." You can then correct your family's deviant ways in the privacy of your own home, and get your kids thinkin' right. When will the producers show a "Single Parent Week" or a "Lesbian Family Feud-a-thon?" Is the average American family really the Brady Bunch? This show does more for Republican family values than any press conference. Why debate Clinton? Why not have a Bush-Clinton Feud? Once there was an African-American family on the show. They were blown away by some clones from South Dakota. I think they knew they didn't stand a chance when the Dakota's stole all their points in the bonus round. They realized the unfairness of the whole situation. The minority can't win on "Feud." There is a kinder, gentler trend in T.V. programming that one can't help feeling is not completely by accidental. Shows like "Beverly Hills 90210" -- where everyone is rich, white and from Beverly Hills, or rich, white and from Minnesota. The shows are almost political propoganda. Fact! The person who plays Brenda is a self-proclaimed spokesperson for the Bush Campaign. Here is a woman who can actually say with a straight face that although she doesn't completely agree with the Republican stance on abortion, she thinks Bush is the best choice for president. Television has ceased to be a cultural barometer and has now become a kind of blueprint for society. In all of the new "twentysomething" spin-offs, is there a single Hispanic character? Not even on "Melrose Place," which supposedly takes place in Los Angeles. We live in a country where 50 percent of our population will be speaking Spanish by the year 2000, and the only Hispanic character on T.V. in living memory is that lawyer from "L.A. Law." Could it be that our leaders have realized that the new American classroom is television? The "Education President" has done pitifully little for our schools and meanwhile, the country's youth are labeled "The MTV Generation." Our leaders are merely sound bites. Every problem can be solved in a half hour, and people who aren't completely average are bad for ratings. America wants image. We need family values. So bring on "Family Feud" -- but how long until the hallway backstage takes losing contestant to a series of whirling blades and a dumpster? Tyranny begins with the home version. Chris Geisel is a senior English major from Arkham, Massachusetts. "A Crafty Trilobyte" appears alternate Mondays.