COLUMN: "Rebels With A Cause, But Not a Clue"

From Jennifer Kornreich's "The Devil Made Me Do It," Spring '92 · I love Penn, but -- inevitably, I suppose -- there are certainly times when I wonder what my college experience would be like at other schools. During my senior year of high school, I had some difficulty in deciding whether to apply early here or to Brown. I'm extremely happy with my choice, but I cringe whenever people here sneer at "granola" universities like Brown, ridiculing how the students are all so weird there, and how they protest every day about everything. Look around at our campus. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been able to walk from the Bridge to the Green without encountering some form of urgent (sarcastic intonation here, folks) protest. What's the problem? Well, like the soup at Skolnick's, it depends on what day of the week it is. Each day promises a new version of the Hey-We're-Upset-and-Offended histrionics. To be fair, sometimes the uproar is warranted. And at such a preprofessional institution, I'm relieved to see that youthful idealism is alive and not something that went out with love-beads and bellbottoms. Expressing opinions and demanding change openly, loudly and ardently in order to raise awareness is a vital component of education -- especially at a huge metropolitan university. However, there are just too many well-meaning crusaders out there who simply do not know how to get the community to take them seriously. The fault lies not necessarily in the cause they advocate or in the gravity of their intentions -- although quite a few causes, like banning animal testing, are inherently asinine: but that's a whole other issue that I just don't have time to pontificate on; aren't you sorry? Instead, what is often problematic is how people go about conveying their ideas to the rest of us simpletons. Many students have apparently found the need to resort to vehement graffiti debates in the stalls of Rosengarten or other renowned pissholes in order to find an audience. Granted, the use of the can as a sociopolitical forum is conducive to an entertaining study break. And there really is no place more appropriately private than the women's room for female strangers to collectively ponder the importance of penis size. (Bad news, men: it seems that the benevolent trend of de-emphasizing the substantiality of what you're wielding under those boxers is fading fast! But take heart; at least we won't know the exact nature of your endowments until The Moment of Truth, whereas it has always been fairly easy for you to assess accurately what's under a T-shirt or sweater.) However, sadly enough, the walls of the john are just as often employed in dissecting issues even weightier than penis size -- yes, pun intended -- and even more serious (if you can imagine it) than whether G.S. should tell her parents about her black boyfriend. Indeed, lengthy discourses and rebuttals on abortion, religion, God, feminism, racism and the Greek system are scribbled with reckless abandon. As if the reader is likely to undergo a change of heart and jettison her former convictions while urinating. But if only our ubiquitous rebels-with-a-cause would modify their methods a bit, they would be much more effective in successfully sending their message. I truly believe that the following suggestions would make for more frequent persuasion and/or reconciliation between opposing parties, even on such pathetically explosive controversies as the evils of fraternities on the Walk: 1. Talk about something else once in a while, will you please? This, more than anything, is why certain campus figures are targets for Highball jokes rather than respected student leaders. Look, having a cause to which you devote a majority of your time is fine, okay? Bless your little heart. But when you monotonously speak on one topic, essentially beating people over the head with it, you lose a lot of credibility and listeners. It doesn't matter how worthwhile the cause is. The bottom line is that if you only discuss sexism, the name of the Oriental Studies department or even something as all-encompassing as racial prejudice 100 percent of the time, you become a fanatic in the eyes of potential supporters. In fact, you become a caricature of what you're attempting to promote, and your valid points get lost in the barrage of outcries. The only way to be taken seriously is to show that you're a three-dimensional person and that you actually have a life outside of your cause. Especially if you're a DP columnist. 2. Distinguish between major issues and whiny nitpicking. I just know I'm going to get a letter asking who I am to judge what's major and what's nitpicking -- but come on. I'll use the example of campus safety. Proponents need to concentrate on causes such as improving Escort Service, expanding the scope of each Penn cop's beat, dealing effectively with the growing number of homeless panhandlers on and around campus, and improving relations between the University community and local residents. It seems to me that vital concerns like these preclude squabbling about riding bicycles on campus. It's really frightening that at Penn this needs to be said, but -- surprise! -- forbidding bike-riding will not do much to accomplish the needed level of safety at Penn. I'll even go out on a limb here and assume that juxtaposing such triviality beside socially significant issues -- and actually spending time and money to enforce such an idiotic, pre-school regulation -- annoys the hell out of almost everyone. Thanks a ton, Shel . . . and get real. Have you started licking stamps or what? But I digress. (Aren't you glad you read through all of this?!? I know I'm exhausted.) Here's my basic point: I actively encourage people to vocalize their complaints. However, regardless of the validity of their ideas, advocates work against themselves if, in their zeal, they lose contact with their audience. So, guess what? We have just as many inane protests, arguments and rules as any other "granola" school. And at least at Brown you can take all your classes Pass/Fail. And ride your frigging bike. · There. I'm finished. Have an interesting summer. Jennifer Kornreich entertains tantalizing fantasies about Orville Redenbacher on a nightly basis, and is also a junior English major from Roslyn, New York. "The Devil Made Me Do It" appeared alternate Tuesdays.