COLUMN: "Fling It In Your Face"

From Jennifer Kornreich's "The Devil Made Me Do It," Spring '92 For the past two Flings, I've anticipated a weekend of outright deranged revelry and Penn undergrad-bonding. Instead, I've encountered an overrated outdoors party and controversy about it in this respectable rag. I guess it's a frame-of-mind thing. I mean, I do have a great time with my friends at Fling. But after the pre-frosh Kite & Key tour guide's hushed aside to us kiddies -- painting a tableau of insane bliss -- while the parents were admiring the architectural oddities of Hill House, I expected something big. And when I was a freshman, the seniors told me tales of a veritable bacchanalia where students just alternately partied and mellowed out on blankets and openly drank and smo . . . well, had a good time. Not hurting anyone, mind you. Just having a better weekend than usual. So after all these legendary stories about the yearly gala, I suppose it's not surprising that I came away from Fling thinking, "Well, that was fun . . . but so what?" I can't help comparing the actual event, which is only slightly unusual, to the much-touted Spring Fling Of The Old Days When Penn Was Much More Fun. There was, at my freshman Fling, such a pathetic melancholy at the sight of everyone shivering and scurrying for funnel cakes and a Tae Kwon Do demonstration in the midst of a hailstorm. My friends and I found it especially poignant when we came to the realization that this was the annual highlight of student life at Penn. Hooray. First of all, my mood of carefree happiness gets just a little squelched when I find that there are basically more policemen and security guards in the Quad than in the rest of Philadelphia altogether. It's a shame that the same number of cops don't patrol the campus and its immediate surroundings nightly. Penn would be a much safer school if they concentrated more on catching criminals once in a very blue moon, rather than seeing how many sophomores they can bust for contraband alcohol. Don't get me wrong. With several hundred college kids running amok with polluted brain cells, there is, of course, a need for security. However, if somebody out there could kindly explain why there are more police in the Quad during Fling than there are at 42nd and Spruce, 43rd and Walnut, etc. at 1:30 in the morning, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance. Looking forward to your response. I guess it's the same mentality that encourages the University Police to stand at the end of the bridge and snag evil bike-riders, instead of the hitmen at McDeath. (A side-note: I always thought the stereotype of cops and donut shops was just a joke until I recently passed Uni-Mart and saw four of them inside. I wish I were kidding, but there's always at least one of them in there. Seems that they're beef-jerky and Snapple connoisseurs. That's useful. Really.) But, anyway, until we can persuade the University that yak-coated, first-floor hallways and bathrooms once a year isn't so monstrous -- just gross and smelly -- it looks like we'll have to make the best of Fling as it is. Whoopee. And why can't we stay in the Quad at night? There used to be, before my time, an evening event in the Quad. Now we get booted out. As if anything we'd do outside is any different than what the 'shmen do inside behind their doors. Also, what the hell is all this noise about how Fling is not multicultural, hmm? It must be my dense white-girl mentality, but I fail to discern how -- with its Filipino, Mexican, Vietnamese, etc. food carts, and the opportunity it offers to any group on campus to set up a booth -- this event lies in the ugly realm of racism. I thought people of all backgrounds like to gorge themselves silly and get drunk. I apologize for this misguided assumption. I guess you have to be Caucasian to enjoy making an inebriated ass out of yourself. Sorry, but perhaps if more blacks came to Fling and participated in its planning stages, it wouldn't be such a "white" celebration. Conversely, if more whites attended the Penn Relays, this event would also be associated to the Penn community more holistically. What's not multicultural here? The music? Wouldn't it be more prejudicial of us to assume right off the bat that blacks can't also enjoy Blues Traveler? What if Blues Traveler played the exact same music but had black members? Is it any better now that there will be a rap group? I think, personally, that it's kind of racist to automatically assume that all black students will appreciate a rap group. And what if it were an all-white rap group (like the Beastie Boys, God help us)? What exactly are the minority students criticizing -- the nature of the music itself, or the band members' race? What if, miraculously, we could book the Rolling Stones for Fling (yes, I have an extremely vivid imagination)? I'm willing to bet that most students -- of all races -- would be excited, even though the Stones are a bunch of 50-year-old white guys who don't play salsa or rap or jazz. A pretty safe wager, I'd say. Despite the kindergartenish limitations imposed on Fling and the ethnic controversy, how can we make it even more fun? I truthfully don't know. If I did, I'd be on SPEC . . . Then again, maybe not. But how's this for starters: Instead of inviting a professor to lunch this week, how about taking him or her to Fling? After all, if you can get to know your professors better by talking and eating with them, just think of how chummy you'll become one you talk, eat, drink and smoke with them! What a revelation that would be! I, for one, haven't looked at Sheldon Hackney in the same light since he took a beer-shower on Hey Day two years ago. I think it's a sort of demystification process. Other than that, we'll have to resign ourselves to smuggling flasks, scarfing down Monroe's, and wishing we were still living in the Quad instead of the High Rises. Spring Fling. Ten days. Yay. Jennifer Kornreich is a junior English major from Roslyn, New York. "The Devil Made Me Do It" appears alternate Tuesdays.