COLUMN: "B.Y.O. Hawaiian Punch"

From Bruce Forman's "Shaking The Tree," Spring '92. Welcome to social hell! After curing all the ills plaguing the city of Philadelphia, the state government has turned its attention to that social scourge that is corrupting our youth, bringing the community to its knees and putting it on the brink of chaos and anarchy. Yes, I'm speaking of those wild and crazy fraternity parties where some who are under 21 actually have the gall to drink. No matter that there are students who are robbed at gunpoint for a few dollars a block or two from the heart of campus. No matter that my bike was stolen two times. It is reassuring to see that the State Police Bureau of Liquor Control Enforcement and its bosses in state government are on top of things. I hope these clowns don't screw up Spring Fling as well. Let's take a look at Penn social life regulated by the LCE. We'll assume that the raid on Phi Psi was not a publicity stunt engineered by the brothers to prove their existence on campus. Regardless of what you think about fraternity parties, most are open to all Penn students. The fact that you can jump from party to party, to each differently stereotyped house, is a luxury of our social life that most schools don't possess. This may change rather abruptly. If the state insists on misallocating its resources pursuing us devious 19- and 20-year old drinkers, then the social life fraternities essentially provide as a public good to underclassmen will disappear, much as my two bikes did. The Greek system, for its own survival, will be forced to become exclusive. To get into parties, which will be much smaller, you're going to need to be buddies with several brothers. Girls may not find it more difficult to get in to parties, but it probably will be much harder for the guys. It's only a matter of the laws of supply and demand kicking in. Unfortunately, this will place a premium on being a member of a fraternity. Being Greek will take on an increased social significance. A social elitism which doesn't currently exist will be imposed on the campus by the LCE. So, what other options do underclassmen have? They can buy beer at Wawa and socialize merrily in their dorms with two or three people. Of course, they'll live in fear of some loser RA without a life of his or her own reporting them for drinking. As I and eighty other friends/early alums can attest, this is more than a minor inconvenience. Or, as the experts on The Daily Pennsylvanian editorial board suggest, those not of age can seek out non-alcoholic alternatives. Ridiculous. These people ought to get a life! Move out of your windowless tower on Walnut Street and have some fun. Who would fund these dry social events? Certainly not the University. Consider the fact that the Spring Fling Committee has to pander to local businesses for money to fund the largest social event of the year. The most excitement Penn will be able to provide is movies with pizza and Pepsi once a month. The University needs to remember that one of the greatest competitive advantages this school possesses over its Ivy peers is the social life available for students. It should be doing whatever it can to preserve it. It's in everyone's best interests. · BLOW TO CRIME: Hooray for the new Campus Bike Patrol! I think I'll rest easier knowing that they're out there patrolling during those prime crime hours of 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. This should comfort all of us when we're walking home at 2 a.m. · Bruce Forman is a junior Finance major from East Greenwich, Rhode Island. Shaking the Tree appears alternate Mondays.