As much as I would love to spell out the metaphor I’ve come up with that explains life’s deepest mysteries (hint: it’s awesome), it’s as a long-time editor and reporter at this place that I take up the weighty responsibility of giving everybody a few ideas for senior columns to come.

With no major disputed races on the ballot in yesterday’s Pennsylvania primary, few voters went to the polls on or near campus. VIDEO: Amy Gutmann VotingVIDEO: Word on the WalkGALLERY: 2012 Primary Election VotingINTERACTIVE: 2012 Pennsylvania Primary results

My BlackBerry without a data plan, which takes after its owner, has faked being smart for the last four years.

Yesterday on Locust Walk across from Steinberg-Dietrich Hall, a bright yellow Amnesty International at Penn’s Human Rights banner displayed many student groups’ answers to the question, “What are human rights?”

Women’s track and field coach Gwen Harris knew her group of 13 recruits was going to be special when they entered Penn as freshmen four years ago. She just didn’t know how special.

We all know from experience that the perception of time passing is not constant. Just think about how quickly the hour of an exam can fly by or how slowly an hour lecture can.

For Brian Chaput, a Penn 2004 graduate and javelin thrower making a bid for the U.S. Olympic team, the journey to greatness has had several hurdles along the way.

I never envisioned joining The Daily Pennsylvanian, let alone spending the majority of my college time there.

While I’ve spent the past several months in Witness Protection, now I’m being asked to revisit said predictions. In case anyone who read them needed a reminder of how awful they were.

For fourth-grade runner Emily Hauck, the Penn Relays were as unfamiliar as the crowd of people surrounding her as she took her place in the paddock minutes before her race.

The School Reform Commission approved Penn’s proposal to add a fourth kindergarten class last Thursday. The proposal still awaits approval from the Philadelphia Federation of Teachers.

I’ll be leaving on a jet plane. Soon — I mean, relatively soon. I’m studying abroad in London next semester. Now that classes are over, that statement actually feels like it means something.

Currently tied with Cornell for the top spot in the Ivy League, the Red and Blue (27-15, 11-5 Ivy) will play Columbia (12-29, 6-10) for a chance to win their first division championship since 2007 and just second in program history.

Don’t tell freshman lacrosse defender Leah McBride Penn-Princeton is more than your average rivalry game. It could make an already pressure-filled game on Wednesday, when the Quakers (7-5, 5-1 Ivy) take on the Tigers (7-6, 4-2) in Princeton, N.J., even more contentious.

Philadelphia’s civil courts were found to be among the best in country, contrary to their “judicial hellhole” reputation, a study finds.

Check out what crimes happened on and around campus last week.

College freshman Seth Koren will not have an opportunity to represent the Republican Party at August’s National Convention in Florida.