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It was a warm September morning.

But as Princetonians emerged from their high thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, they sensed that they could breathe a bit easier that day, even with teams that look like the Cincinnati Bengals, which we all know is never a good thing.

Because let’s face it: the only reason Team Hummer has a shot is because of the Harvard cheating scandal.

We’ll admit the kid is kind of good, but Harvard is already starting to surpass you guys sans their dynamic duo.

What really is so great about that “Princeton Offense?” It didn’t seem to do Mike Brown any favors out in Los Angeles.

And we all know what it means to have a Hummer, so why are you having trouble finishing? (like against Northeastern, Rutgers, Fordham).

If Sydney Johnson’s departure wasn’t already a sign that you might just not be that well-endowed, then I don’t know what else to point out.

There is one other department in which you’re lacking. And your alums can’t create a contest to change this one.

Does 123-103 ring a bell?

It will take until current students look like Shelly Berman — we mean Pete Carril — and the band is too old to understand its Jim Carrey circa The Mask impression, that you guys even have a chance to reach our current glory in this historic matchup. That being in the unlikely event that you guys catch up.

The Quakers may be on their way to getting the right players on the court, and by March, Fran will be back, though the concrete life-sucker that is Jadwin Gym won’t do any favors for his health.

The Quake Show isn’t going anywhere.

And that will hold true on a cold Saturday night, as thousands of young Princeton students cry themselves to sleep on a bed made out of the broken dreams of their personal butlers and Ivy League title hopes.


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