*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.
Penn lax’s Feeney twins, Brian and Danny, have been anointed Golden Boys just weeks into their Quakers’ careers.
But recently, the two have been introduced to the harsh life that comes with being children of esteemed professor George Feeney — a lesson that can only be classified as a Boy Meets World phenomenon.
Sources told the Daily Pennsylvanian that Brian has become involved in an extramarital affair with Engineering freshman Topanga Lawrence, a student of Mr. Feeney’s and wife of College freshman Corey Matthews.
“My son has done nothing of the sort,” Mr. Feeney, who teaches all subjects from kindergarten through grad school, said in a statement issued behind his white picket fence.
Matthews confronted Danny outside of Chubbie’s Famous restaurant, where Danny berated Matthews for his lack of “flow.”
Basketball coach Jerome Allen offered mind-blowingly insightful information in a post-history class conference.
“I have tremendous respect for the Boy Meets World program,” Allen said. “Producer Michael Jacobs really gets his characters to play hard for the full 30 minutes. They’re really deep emotionally and they have great storylines.”
— Stuart Minkus
