*This story appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue.
The wrestling program has been shrouded in mystery since last November, when the Penn Athletic Department doled out suspensions to Penn wrestlers under the vague guise of “administrative policy.”
But yesterday, sources close to the wrestling program revealed that the “administrative policy” was really a cover for deeper issues that were impacting the Quakers’ wrestling program.
It appears Penn wrestlers were not the only ones engaged in some dangerous grappling, as it was exposed that the team was behind the financing and operating of a popular, yet brutal dog-fighting ring in West Philadelphia, entitled Cagefighting K-9s.
“We’d been running this thing for four years now,” said CK-9 member Cesar Grajales. “I’d say we made upwards of $2.3 million dollars before things really went sour.”
The Florida native allegedly brought his passion for the sport to the North back in 2006.
“For a group of ambitious Wharton undergrads just looking for a well-paying job in this economy, it was a pretty appealing offer to help Cesar out with the ring,” Matt Dragon said. “The team built CK-9 from the bottom up, transforming it from a three-man brainchild to a full-fledged, multimillion dollar puppy-abusing institution.”
Things were going swimmingly for the enterprising grapplers until Grajales began showing up to classes splattered in German Shepherd blood. Though advised by his peers to shower, Grajales did not switch up his hygiene, stating that the stains made him look “mad badass brah!”
Needless to say, the administration was shocked.
“We were all scared about the truth coming out,” Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said. “Amy Gutmann made it especially clear that she wanted the lunatics from PETA nowhere near her expensive furs.”
“We had to come up with a solid alibi for the wrestlers’ hiatus,” he added. “So we figured a vague reference to a non-public policy would throw any interested parties off of the trail.”
The most surprising detail was unearthed by a source familiar with the Philadelphia Eagles, who claimed the popularity of CK-9 was a large reason the team was able to sign recently incarcerated quarterback Michael Vick.
“The situation was pretty much a win-win for Mike in Philadelphia,” the source said. “He would have the opportunity to play in front of fans who supported his K-9 slaying ways, and use that fatty signing bonus to get his feet wet again.”
With help from Gutmann’s piggybank, the wrestlers were able to get everything to blow over until the end of the season.
When asked why he didn’t stand up to the wrestlers when he first found out about CK-9, Bilsky appeared defensive.
“Stand up to them? They’re wrestlers, for Christ sakes! They would have beaten me up worse than a Welsh Corgi.”
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