As far as college football scandals go, this one wasn't too bad.
It wasn't taking money from boosters, it wasn't a criminal action, and it wasn't even an "unspecified violation of team rules."
It was a skit at senior skit night.
Harvard wide receiver Keegan Toci was booted from the team by Crimson coach Tim Murphy for a skit in which Toci laid out 20 reasons that Harvard will never rise to a I-A program.
Sounds harmless enough, except Murphy told The Boston Globe that "it was disgusting," and called it "a mean-spirited attack on the training staff, coaching staff, players, strength coaches and Harvard University in general."
But as the fallout continues at Harvard, Penn's players can rest assured that Al Bagnoli missed the skit from last year's varsity athlete talent show, but The Daily Pennsylvanian captured it all.
So just to bring you up to speed, these were the 20 reasons Penn will never be a I-A program:
1. Quakers couldn't handle rigorous demands of the brutal 12-game schedule.
2. Division I-A-style tailgating would be awfully difficult to organize in those 10 parking spaces next to Franklin Field.
3. In I-A, cheerleaders tend to travel to away games.
4. Bowls won't schedule around final exams.
5. At Penn, quarterbacks can't get course credit for ballroom dance class.
6. Division I-A encourages use of the fair catch.
7. Stanford's dancing tree called and said Penn's mascot was creepy.
8. Alabama called and said Penn's kicking game was too good.
9. Temple called and complained about the stiff competition.
10. Lee Corso can't pronounce Al Bagnoli, let alone Kelms Amoo-Achampong.
11. I-A teams generally leave the state for non-conference games.
12. Matt Carre doesn't meet the Division I-A height requirement.
13. Coach Lake exceeds the Division I-A age requirement.
14. There are no boosters around to give $1,000 per hour "jobs" at local car dealerships.
15. Is that institutional TV ad done yet?
16. The I-A attendance requirement is based on a fourth-quarter count.
17. If the speaker system barely functions, how will instant replay work at Franklin Field?
18. The ACC can't handle a 13th team.
19. Penn State-Penn game would be too confusing, and not just because they wear the same unis.
20. In I-A, teams deal with real scandals, not senior skit nights.
Zachary Levine is a senior mathematics major from Delmar, N.Y., and is former Sports Editor of The Daily Pennsylvanian. His e-mail address is zlevine@sas.upenn.edu.
