Shootings at Penn won't be limited to West Philadelphia thugs' gunfights on 38th Street anymore.
That's because Penn has joined a growing list of universities that will compete in Division I riflery beginning in 2007.
Who do we have to thank for this new program? None other than the vice president of the United States himself, Dick Cheney.
Ever since his unfortunate hunting accident in mid-February, Cheney has been touring the nation extolling the benefits of the sport of riflery.
On Feb. 22, 2006, Cheney issued a challenge to all universities to start a riflery program, and offered a $10 billion Iraq war contract to the school which wins the 2007 National Championship.
Cheney could not be reached for comment, but White House press secretary Scott McClellan said that he is thrilled that so many schools have taken up his challenge.
Penn is the sixth Ivy League school to sign on. The only Ivies not yet participating are Cornell and Brown -- the latter of whom failed a preliminary drug test.
University administrators think that Penn will be a national powerhouse in no time.
"Penn is so awesome at everything," University President Amy Gutmann said. "Penn is just the greatest."
Gutmann formally announced the initiative Friday while waiting in line at Hemo's food truck by saying, "If Jodie Foster supports the sport of riflery, then so do I."
Students also have been quite receptive to the announcement.
In a scientific poll conducted by The Daily Pennsylvanian, 73 percent of undergraduates said that they would consider going out for the team.
"Ever since February, it's been my dream to compete in intercollegiate riflery," College sophomore Josh Wheeling said. "Sometimes I think that the only way I'll ever command any respect would be to carry around a big gun. I'm glad now I'll finally get that opportunity."
Still, whether or not the Quakers win any national titles in the near future, one thing is for sure: West Philadelphia is a perfect training arena for the new sport.
In fact, it is very likely that having a riflery program at Penn will solve all problems with crime in the neighborhood.
"Once students start carrying around rifles, we'll all be safe," College Republicans President Cory Bray said. "I've been trying to tell Maureen [Rush] this all year."
Indeed, riflery seems to be a perfect match for Penn. It's a wonder no one thought of the idea sooner.
"Dick Cheney is a very good leader, and I have a whole lot of respect for him," Penn basketball coach Fran Dunphy said.
