(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
Nursing school to close at end of year
After classes end this May, the School of Nursing will be closing its doors for good.
And in June, the Nursing Education Building will be knocked down to allow for the construction of the Jon M. Huntsman College House, currently being designed exclusively for Wharton undergraduates.
Due to unsuccessful attempts on behalf of the Nursing School to recruit a diversified class, the University decided that the land should be put to better use.
"We have tried many different techniques to recruit male nurses as well as international students, but nothing has worked," said Afaf Meleis, Nursing School dean. "The time limit given to us by the University has run out."
-- Melissa Leitman
Asshole posts jerk comment on DP.com
College sophomore David Anderson, who lives on the 24th floor of Harrison College House, posted a jerk comment on dailypennsylvanian.com last night, the latest in a long line of jerk comments posted to the Web site in the last few weeks.
Anderson, who declined to be interviewed for this story, logged onto his Dell Performa 8200 at 6:17 p.m. yesterday and posted a response to the story "Oscar-winning director of 'Columbine' to speak at Penn."
"MAN WHAT AN ANTI-AMERICAN TOOL. Why is Penn bringing that asshole here," Anderson wrote under the username "FreakDaDDy."
The most popular targets of jerk comments are usually columnists Dan Fishback, David Copley and any story involving the Greek system, or the nation of Greece.
The most notorious of posters is Fact Checker, who scans a 2400-word article and then posts with "You missed a comma here. THE DP IS THE WORSTEST PAPER EVER!!!!"
-- Sean Lee
Source: Girl at gym 'ridiculously dressed'
Susan Dryden, College sophomore and Delta Delta Delta assistant social chair, was "ridiculously dressed" at Pottruck gym on Friday afternoon, according to anonymous sources.
The sources, who are affiliated with the Greek system, said that Dyrden was dressed in a "USA" tube top and "track shorts."
"Dude, she was dressed like she was in the club," the source said.
Dryden, "Suze" to her friends and a native of Elkins Park, Md., claimed that the charges were baseless.
"I don't really think that, like, I was dressed too scantily," Dryden said. "I mean, I was just trying to work out."
Panhellenic Council President Elizabeth Kimmelman was quick to defend Dryden.
"Suze is one of the rising stars in the Greek system," Kimmelman said. "And, besides, she looks sooooo cute in that tube top."
The anonymous sources were not convinced with that defense.
"No way, man," the source said. "No way you wear that to the gym. Not that I minded, though."
-- Not Conor Daly
Idiots can't dial phones
On a the most recent snow day, over 100 idiots failed to dial 898-MELT, instead calling the offices of The Daily Pennsylvanian, University Telephone Services said yesterday.
"I really can't believe that people can't dial a few freaking numbers," Telephone Services President Jessica Specter said. "I mean, I know we're a stupid bunch, but please."
The editors and writers of The Daily Pennsylvanian were similarly baffled with these idiots.
"It's SEVEN NUMBERS," staff writer James Bastionson said. "How the hell can no one dial 898-MELT?"
Staffers of the DP began playing along with the 898-MELT gag, answering the phone "898-MELT!"
"No one even blinked," Bastionson said. "I was even like, 'What university are you calling for?' And they said 'Penn.' Like 898-MELT is a freaking national number! Jesus."
The idiots could not be reached for comment last night.
-- 898-MELT Guy
Walk now open to traffic
Penn has decided that Locust Walk will be open to traffic every night from 5 p.m. to 8 a.m.
Officials said this new route will allow suppliers to the various buildings along the Walk to reach their destination with greater ease, thus guaranteeing better services to the Penn community.
University officials are confident that this new policy will ensure advantages to all.
"We know it will be difficult to adjust at first," University Provost and medical doctor Robert Barchi said. "But it will be more pleasant and efficient."
"I don't see a problem with it," Vice President for Facilities and Real Estate Omar Blaik added.
-- Margherita Ghiselli
