(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
WITH CLIFFORD L. STANLEY, THE FRANKLIN BUILDING -- After numerous secret meetings with the Ivy League Security Council, Penn has moved unilaterally to invade Drexel University.
"I finally figured out where 40th Street is," Executive Vice President Clifford Stanley said. "It isn't that far away. Regardless, Penn needs to strike pre-emptively to expand its territory to the north, to ensure it's future safety. Drexel could hit us anytime."
Stanley, a retired United States Marine Corps major general, is the chief proponent of the coming war. A senior administrator speaking on the condition of anonymity, but whose name rhymes with Dori Loyle, said that Stanley feels "left out" of the war in Iraq.
She added that Stanley has been itching to "start a rumble" with Drexel ever since the United States began its assault.
"He misses 'the corp,'" she said, making little quotation marks with her fingers. "All he wants to do is be a Marine again."
This information was corroborated by Sheila Gillespie, Stanley's personal assistant, who said that he routinely organizes mandatory war games for those working in the Office of the Executive Vice President.
Stanley has become so obsessed with planning the assault that he was found in his office late last night, still working out the details.
While Stanley has couched the coming engagement in terms of pre-emptive self-defense, those opposed to the war suggest much more sinister, personal motives for the invasion.
"After all," Stanley said solemnly, in a televised address Saturday night to the Penn community, "these are the men who beat us in basketball."
Unfortunately, due to severe lack of technical expertise, UTV, the station that bought exclusive rights to the address, screwed up the broadcast, and it only aired in remote, isolated parts of the nation, such as Princeton, N.J.
In a related statement, University President Judith Rodin identified Drexel as part of an "axis of evil," along with Princeton and Oklahoma State universities.
Drexel President Constantine Papadakis responded harshly to accusations of evilness. Papadakis held his own press conference yesterday, saying that Drexel will "fight on every road and every land."
Papadakis accused Penn of waging "a war of aggression against a peaceful school, backed and funded by the dirty capitalist pigs at Wharton."
Wharton Dean Patrick Harker could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was giggling gleefully over all the profits Penn could reap.
Referring to the Penn football team massing on the border in preparation for the first wave of the assault, Papadakis said, "They came to dishonor your land and honor. Today is your turn to show your pure Drexel heritage, your courage fighting on every road and every land."
An anti-war protest spontaneously erupted on College Green yesterday as news of the announcement swept across Penn's campus. Pro-war protesters attended as well, chanting, "If you love the Red and Blue, you will fight in this war, too!"
The protesters were able to participate after being recently cleared of all charges for pouring motor oil over a Princeton debater.
