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(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue) The extraordinarily large girth of the bucket seats and breadth of film offerings at the newly opened Bridge: Cinema De Lux has left Cinemagic begging for more -- customers, that is.

And so, in a move that has surprised many, Cinemagic is due to become Skinemagic before the close of the school year. Instead of the more traditional fare currently provided by both film establishments, Skinemagic will show solely pornographic movies, while the Bridge will continue to indulge theatergoers' less carnal desires.

Initially, the owners of Cinemagic were uncomfortable admitting that business had become flaccid. Still, after coming clean, they were delighted that the University did not leave them in the dust.

"We sort of figured, 'Oh, they've found someone bigger, better," explained Cinemagic, Inc. representative Sushi Williams. "We really didn't serve much of a purpose as things stood."

Still, Vice President for Facilities and Real Estate Services Omar Blaik was not ready to say goodbye to a faithful corporation.

"As the Penn community knows, good companies are hard to find," Blaik stressed. "I explained to Cinemagic, or, uh, Skinemagic, that sometimes running a business can be rough, but that we would try everything we could to make sure that the investment Cinemagic has put into our community does not stay soft for long. Often, all it takes are some little changes to add excitement and to get things back up and revving again."

"Finally, we decided if you can't beat them, you have to help them beat it," Williams said.

She explained that the company, along with Penn administrators and other members of the local community, noticed a real hole in the market, and that the theater has a strong desire to fill it as best as it can.

"Students are tired of going down to 22nd and Market for pornos," she said. "Frankly, so am I."

The three-screen theater, currently known for showing one selection that appeals to the University student population, one intended for a neighborhood audience and one that is more random, plans to continue trying to please everyone. In efforts to publicize the upcoming changes and to ensure that diverse members of the surrounding area are attracted to the theater's new offerings, students and community members are being asked to recommend old favorites to be shown during the theater's opening week.

"I think they should play Debbie Does Dallas, because I'm from there," said College freshman Todd Goldberg. "But really, it's just the quintessential porno."

"We want to hear from girls as much as boys," Williams said. "Everyone should know we will do whatever it takes to make them happy."

Rocky Martini, owner of Philadelphia's Club Wizzards, is one man who could not be happier.

"For a long, long time, I have felt that University City had the potential to become the new Times Square," Martini explained.

University President Judith Rodin is ecstatic that the deal worked out and that after over a year and a half of groveling and perspiration, a personal dream is coming to fruition.

"This has been in the works for a long time," Rodin said. "I just want to say that I'm really excited."

In related news, Rodin was recently cleared of all charges for pouring motor oil over a Princeton debater.

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