Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye. But, the current PrognostiQuakers will officially say goodbye over the course of the next few paragraphs to our bretheren who graduated in the year 2002. We checked in with them to see how things were, and we found out that things had changed.
Whereas last year a group of loyal PrognostiQuakers left the City of Philadelphia to head out into the real world, wondering what could be their future -- as well as the future of the beloved PrognostiQuakers, this year they are merely fodder for long, almost run-on sentences like this one.
And the future has perhaps been pretty well, we here at PrognostiQuaking HQ suppose.
Maybe it's just the lack of great Philly water ("wooder") that's making them thing this way, but if you believe our former comrades, we PrognostiQuakers are entirely doing the wrong thing.
In several instances this year, some PrognostiQuakers have picked such teams as Princeton and teams playing Penn to be victorious on the gridiron.
"Something is seriously wrong here," said Jesse "Motors" Spector, former Daily Pennsylvanian Sports Editor. "It makes me sick. You just don't do it. I could have been King [PrognostiQuaker] last year if I had picked Princeton, but I didn't, and I'm a better man for it."
What can we do here? If you believe Spector, there is clearly a problem here at PrognostiQuaking HQ (a.k.a. Huntsman Hall). What will we PrognostiQuakers do to stop this?
Yes, you're thinking what we wrote. We'll ignore it and get on to making fun of people.
Spector, the first former editor on our journey into the past, is working for SportsTicker, an ESPN-owned company that has its main offices in Jersey City, N.J. What Spector apparently does is sit around, and -- during a phone conversation with him -- decide whether or not to get food from the snack machine.
"Can you hold on a second?" Spector said. "I need to put a dollar back in my wallet -- I decided not to get a snack."
ESPN is owned by Disney, and therefore Spector's check has a picture of Mickey Mouse on it each week.
"There's a picture of Mickey and a picture of the Earth," Spector said. "And Mickey is about one-and-a-half times the size of the Earth."
Spector, however, was mainly concerned with comments directed at former DP sportswriter Sebastian "Sub" Stockman. Sub is famous for once appearing on College Jeopardy!, and then putting that he appeared on College Jeopardy! under the "Education" section of his resume.
"For homecoming I'm most looking forward to seeing the forward pass," Spector said in a prepared statement. "Which was invented shortly after Sub Stockman arrived on campus in 1802."
We PrognostiQuakers can't stand long prepared statements, so we ignored Spector.
Sub, who is currently working for The Middletown Transcript in Middletown, Del., chuckled and then spun us a yarn from last Friday.
Sub was covering a football game when his car was towed. He then hitched a ride home with some Middletown High players, then called the coach to make sure that the players did not get in trouble for missing curfew.
"So I called the coach, and explained to him the situation," Sub roared. "The coach said back to me, 'So did I! The rat bastards got me, too!' "
Sub claims this is true, but we PrognostiQuakers know otherwise. Recently, Penn played Columbia in football, and Lions offensive guard Mike Latimer (No. 69, Sub's number) looks and acts just like Sub Stockman.
Latimer is 6-foot-2, 280 pounds.
"I'm not six-two," Sub said. "Or 280."
Spector didn't buy that, however.
"That doesn't surprise me at all," Spector said. "I don't believe for one second that he's in Central Delaware. He's probably moonlighting with a different crappy football team each week."
According to PainQuaking research, Sub has played for the following terrible schools this season: Arcadia, Bryn Mawr, NYU-Stony Brook, Boston U., Indiana of Pennsylvania, California of Pennsylvania and every Ivy League team except for Penn.
Sub had only one sentence in reply: "I'm a safety for the Chiefs."
Nice try there, buddy. But even you could do a better job of stopping defenses than the Chiefs have done this year.
Sub closed out the interview by telling us a joke that is definitely unprintable here, but let's just say that it involves nakedness, fruit and the 26th amendment.
Jason Bodnar, Jessica Tuchinsky and Kyle Bahr were also contacted, but we ran out of space.
