Crowning the new king of wings

Sloth didn't make it. With only minutes to go in the final round of the ninth annual Wing Bowl -- held early Friday morning -- Sloth stood up from his seat, spewing a small river of chicken wings and Gatorade. "Welcome to Philadelphia!" yelled one of the announcers from WIP 610 radio, the station that puts on this display of American hedonism at its finest -- or its most gruesome. Around 20,000 people filled the First Union Center at 6 a.m. to witness 22 men compete for the title of Wing Bowl Champion, all consuming as many chicken wings as possible in 30 minutes. In the end it was El Wingador -- now a two time champion -- who took home the title for inhaling an outstanding 137 chicken wings in the two fifteen-minute halves of the contest. "I came to see tasteless redneck fun," said Jessica Moss, a lab technician who recently moved to Philadelphia from Kentucky. "Where else but in America and in Philadelphia can you see 20,000 people turn out to see fat men eat chicken wings?" Moss asked. Despite the bevy of obese men who occupied the main stage at Friday morning's event, there was a large and gaudy display of good old American pageantry that accompanied the contest. Miss Wing Bowl came into the arena dressed only in a white bra and chaps -- with nothing underneath but a matching white thong -- spanking her bottom to the wild cheers of the testosterone-pumped crowd. "They should give her away as a door prize," attendee Jake Kinsey said jokingly. "My favorite part is the women," said Michael Rothstein, an insurance company employee. However, when asked why he wasn't participating with such infamous men as Tollman Joe -- last year's winner, who had a tooth surgically removed by a dentist to allow for the easier consumption of chicken wings -- Rothstein said his wife would not let him join all the little reindeer and stripper games. Rothstein and thousands of other avid fans cheered on the promenade of 22 men who vied for the title of Wing Bowl champion -- and a free trip for two to Aruba. Every participant had his theme and entourage when entering the stadium. Some of the heavier men, like Pine Hill Pit -- weighing in at over 600 pounds -- had to be pushed up the stairs. Gaseous Maximus entered the stadium sitting upon his throne -- a golden toilet. "Fear the wind!" he growled to the crowd. "Let loose Gaseous, let loose!" yelled an enthusiastic fan from the stands. The First Union Center was filled to capacity for the annual event, and security guards had to turn away many loyal fans from the free event. "I came to see Mize crunch beer cans on his head," attendee John Bedford said, in reference to the crowd favorite who breaks beer cans on his cranium in rapid succession. With every wince on his face and bulge on his forehead, the crowd cheered in respect and adulation. "Philadelphia fans are nuts, no doubt about that," said Kinsey, who took a day off of work to come down to Wing Bowl. The last event of the morning was the wrestling match in a ring of chicken wings and BBQ sauce. The crowd seemed displeased with the activity -- showing their sentiments with a showering of beer cans falling down from the stands -- hitting some of the women and a referee. "It was fun overall except for the wrestling at the end, which sucked," said 15-year-old John Walsh.

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