COLUMN: Oscar pays W. Philly a visit

From Emily Lieff's, "Sassy Peach," Fall '99 From Emily Lieff's, "Sassy Peach," Fall '99With the Oscars just a few days away, all minds are on the coveted trophies. The media gets so swept up in who will wear what, who will win what and who will say what that they begin to treat this overblown party as if it's the most important news story around. So, I've begun to wonder about a world where the movies are about things that actually matter to us. What would happen if Penn had its own Oscars? The nominees for best picture are: Saving Private Rodin A group of young soldiers led by Barchi and Beeman set out to find President Rodin in Eisenlohr, her Walnut Street estate. This band of brave soldiers hunts for days trying to find Penn's president. But Rodin, maintaining her trademark privacy, appears to be somewhere on the Main Line. Through their journey, they wonder if they will ever find the very private Rodin or will they have to run the school without her? Finally, during a campus visit by a movie star, the search party locates the private Rodin just long enough for a photo opportunity before she disappears again into hibernation. Penn is Beautiful (La Campus e Bella) A touching, poignant story of a Penn alum showing his young son all of Penn's charms, including the Annenberg scaffolding, the Perelman construction site and the radiant splendor of the old bookstore. In this tale of deceit, the father must fool his son into thinking that Penn really is a beautiful place rather than simply a maze of scaffolding and cement trucks. Perhaps the most heartbreaking moment comes when the quick-thinking father convinces his son, as well as the audience, that a row of empty buildings on 40th Street is really a movie theater and an upscale grocery store. Shakespeare at Lunch The story of an English major who falls in love with Juliet, the Stouffer lunch lady, while writing a play for his WATU class, Romeo and Ethel, The Pirate's Daughter. Despite their blossoming relationship and flirtations at the salad bar, she is forced to marry another man against her will, inspiring this then-unknown writer to create his world-renowned "Lunchroom Sonnets" featuring such famous lines as "A chicken salad by any other name would smell as sweet," and the heartbreaking "Deny thy ketchup and refuse thy mayo for if thou wilt not be but sworn my love, then I'll no longer stay on meal-plan." The Thin Black Line An epic production showing Penn women in their uniform black pants and pea coats battling against the desire to go for seconds. The disturbing film features too-thin size-2 women reflecting on issues like "Why am I so fat?" and "Is grey the new black?" The movie's climax and most Oscar-worthy scene certainly comes during the touching scene where one woman struggles to avoid eating a low-fat mini-muffin, lest she grow to an obese size four. Judith The story of a young girl's rise to power from an assistant professorship at a mediocre school in New Haven, Conn., to become the queen of West Philadelphia, ruling all territory between 33rd and 40th streets. Featuring elaborate costuming by DKNY and Talbot's, this movie is a shoe-in for the best costuming award, but will probably fall short in the best picture category. After all, there's not much more to Judith than appearances.