COLUMN: Mom is here to save the day

From Yoni Slonim's, "Taking My Turn At Bat," Fall '97 From Yoni Slonim's, "Taking My Turn At Bat," Fall '97Often times when I go to sleep, I worry about my public image as a columnist. Am I holding up my side of the bargain? Am I making an honest attempt in raising important issues into campus consciousness? Anyway, I figure there are a lot of problems out there that need solving. I and my fellow compatriots of the op-ed stripe are often accused of pointing out problems without offering up any possible solutions. To proffer a panacea would obviously bring ridicule upon myself. Well, bring it on baby! The solution I am offering is not a Band-Aid fix -- like submachine guns -- but a long-term effective remedy to many of the maladies affecting the Penn campus. It's called Mom, or sometimes Mommy. (Note: the rest of this column is based on a fictitious character called "mother.") What I am advocating is a take-nothing-from-nobody approach to leading this campus. We wouldn't have to pick a specific mother to be in charge because any would suffice. Maybe we could even have a rotation of mothers. The concept is simple; I want my leader to not only have the power to inspire, but the ability to instill fear like no other. I want muggers to experience the same thing any child would on reproach from their mom. Mugger: Give me your money! Student: (shaking) Uh, OK whatever you say. Mom: (hits mugger upside the head) You want me to get really mad? This mom character would also be a boon to admissions recruiting. Pre-frosh: I heard that Penn is no longer the party school of the Ivies. Tour Guide: Well they have been cracking down a bit lately. Mom: (running by) What, you think I have nothing better to do then care about how much beer you drink? What do you think I'm your mother or something? I'm running a university here, I don't have time for such nonsense. I personally would look forward to the no-holds-barred approach this would bring to the bureaucratic nightmare called Penn. For example, a tenure meeting: Department Head: Well, let's think about this professor's credentials. We wouldn't want to rush into any decisions. (Tenure committee agrees the professor has all the requisites except for not having published enough as well as, how we say, not having the right friends.) Dept. Head: Well, it looks like we'll have to wait till next year to decide on this case. Committee: (Nods all around) here, here. (a blast of wind is felt as Mother rushes in) Mom: (hits Dept. Head upside the head) Dept. Head: Oww! Mom: Want me to do it harder next time? What is your problem? This guy can teach a rat how to read! Give him tenure! Dept. Head: But, but? Mom: Do we have to wait till he gets hired by another university before we tenure him? (hits him again) Use your head, and get a haircut for God's sake! It is not so much that this mom character would always side with the students. Rather, she would come down on the side of logic. Mom: Why weren't the students told of the rate increase for on-campus housing? Provost: We didn't have all the numbers worked out yet. Mom: Don't you think it's fair to tell the consumer the price of the good before offering it up for sale? Besides, you had the whole year to come up with the "complicated" price increase. It looks a little suspicious to suddenly "figure out" the prices a week after students had to sign up for on-campus living. Provost: It is only a minimal increase. Mom: That's not the point -- this is a contract right? They signed an agreement under the assumption they would be paying X number of dollars. In fact, when they asked for the rates they were handed the old prices. Provost: But, I can't imagine students will be unable to pay the increase. Mom: It isn't that the students won't be able to pay the extra money. As far as I can remember it is still their money. Don't you think they would rather spend their money, no matter how little, on what they choose to? Provost: Do you think you could recommend me for the UCLA chancellorship? Mom: I could swear you haven't listened to one word I've said! If you were my kid?(starts to raise hand) Mother's methods may be a bit frightening at times but they would be effective and practical. An overheard hypothetical discussion might go something like this: Trustee I: So the Music Building is slated to be used for part of the Institute for Advanced Science Technology phase II project. Trustee II: Great! Mom: (hitting both of them) Are you telling me that we are moving the music department out without having somewhere to put them? Trustee I: Maybe we can rent them out space as part of a rotation in the Perelman Quadrangle. Mom: (Kills them both) Yes, Mom might be sent off to jail but, in the end I feel she would get the job done. Besides almost any mother would do, I'm sure we could quickly find a willing replacement.