COLUMN: A lifetime of bad days

From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '96 From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Why one Penn student can relate well toFrom Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Why one Penn student can relate well toformer Berkeley Math Professor TedFrom Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Why one Penn student can relate well toformer Berkeley Math Professor TedKaczynski, the suspected Unabomber From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Why one Penn student can relate well toformer Berkeley Math Professor TedKaczynski, the suspected Unabomber I can't say I don't sympathize with the man, I just don't agree with his methods. I mean, we've all had bad days, but a great majority of us do not feel the need to send deadly explosive devices through the mail to vent our frustrations. If the Unabomber thinks he's the only person who's got problems, boy, is he ever mistaken. Kaczynski graduated from a well-established, albeit somewhat mediocre, Ivy League institution (Harvard), yet spent many of his years living in a shabby 16-by-20-foot shack, without such modern amenities as electricity and running water. I can honestly relate to that. As a Communications major, I've also accepted my jobless destiny. For that reason, I recently inquired about renting Kaczynski's Montana shack -- actually, the real estate agent told me it wasn't a shack, but a rustic studio apartment with a lovely view of the wilderness. To my dismay, however, I was informed that a Penn Folklore major had already placed a deposit on it. Kaczynski, obviously not a very happy person in the first place, also suffered the pain of having been dumped, in the late 1970s, by a woman he dated. Actually, I can't relate to that one. According to People, Kaczynski has another legitimate reason to be extremely discontent with modern society: In high school, he belonged to the German, math and coin clubs. Can you imagine the taunting he received? Above all, though, the Unabomber felt the need to kill three people and injure 23 others because he hates modern technology and the direction in which our world is headed. In his manifesto, the Unabomber declares: "The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race? They have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering." Indeed, I experienced this "widespread psychological suffering" two weeks ago. My computer -- an evil product of modern technology -- crashed, erasing four 15-page papers. For the last two weeks, my life has been extremely "unfulfilling," too. I spent all my time re-writing papers that had been all but completed weeks ago. In his manifesto, the Unabomber also expresses his grave disapproval of leftism. He explains how minorities are "hypersensitive" about being referred to in such terms as "negro," "oriental," "handicapped" or "chick." He then goes on to describe the one thing that really ticks him off: "Some animal rights advocates have gone so far as to reject the word 'pet' and insist on its replacement by 'animal companion.' " Nothing makes me angrier than having someone call my little poodle Crockett some kind of politically incorrect term. Let's just say that the last person who referred to Crockett as a "mutt" now has to be fed through a tube. As if his all of his other problems weren't bad enough, Kaczynski had the great displeasure of being captured after 17 alleged years of bombing -- because his brother David called the FBI. If I'm David Kaczynski, I'm going to make darn sure I don't open any packages with the return address of "Your Loving Brother Teddy at Lewis and Clark County Jail in Helena, Montana." I was also turned over to the authorities at the hands of a sibling. When I was nine, my younger sister Lauren told on me for trying to stuff her into the trash compactor. But instead of facing life in prison or the death penalty -- what Ted Kaczynski will no doubt receive if convicted -- I suffered the brutal sentence of not being able to watch cartoons for two days. I've been bitter at her ever since. Angry as I am at society, I concede that I cannot go on a homicidal mail-bombing rampage for quite a few reasons. First, when I inquired about mailing explosive devices at the local United States Post Office, the receptionist politely informed me that disgruntled Post Office employees retain the right to commit all acts of Post Office-related violence. Not yet thwarted in my efforts, I considered the tragic consequences of not affixing appropriate postage on the mail bomb and having the explosive package returned to me. But the last straw, the one that finally convinced me not to take my aggressions out on innocent postal customers, occurred when I realized I that can barely change the bulb in my halogen lamp, let alone build some powerful explosive device. Oh well. My devious campaign ended before it even began. Instead of expressing my disapproval with society using unproductive methods such as sending bombs through the mail, I've decided to solve my problems in a constructive and beneficial manner: I'm moving to Montana and establishing a cult of psychopaths. We'll call ourselves the Freemen. We won't obey any United States laws and we'll spend our time hoarding massive supplies of arms, preparing for a full-scale war against invading FBI agents. See, Ted, there are better ways to solve your problems.