COLUMN: Working man's blues

From Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96 From Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96You too can earn up to $90From Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96You too can earn up to $90an hour with no priorFrom Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96You too can earn up to $90an hour with no priorexperience. From Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96You too can earn up to $90an hour with no priorexperience.Sadly, I'm quite concerned about the state of today's job market. And sadly, I continue to use the word "sadly" in a grammatically incorrect manner. Most college students feel internships are the key to landing that perfect job. A solid internship can be the key that unlocks the door to a fantastic career with a Fortune 500 Company. My internship at a photography lab gave me the mailroom experience my resume needed. My job consisted of Xeroxing, making coffee and, on particularly slow afternoons, Xeroxing coffee. It's even harder to obtain a decent job on campus, although for a while I had some fairly steady work. I was my own boss, I set my own hours, and it was completely tax free. Where did I find such glamorous work, you may ask? At the University of Pennsylvania Book Store. Well, not at The Book Store per se, but through The Book Store. Everyday, on my way to my first class, I stopped at The Book Store and picked up a quarter from the table just inside the front door. I then continued on to class, 25 cents richer than I had been just half a minute before. It was a sure thing: 25 cents a day, every day, including the 30-odd days of Ramadan. It was job security, if there is such a thing. Now, I've heard the counter-argument: "A quarter buys nothing," you say. I've got two answers for that. First of all, I agree with you -- a quarter will buy very little nowadays, especially with the yen as strong as it is. But it's not just one isolated quarter here; I'm talking about five quarters a week. That's $1.25, tax free. That's five bucks a month, and, over an eight-month academic calendar, $40 a year. And, more than that, one must examine the hourly wage. The whole process -- walking into The Book Store, taking a quarter, walking out -- takes about 10 seconds, tops. A quarter for 10 seconds of work times six equals $1.50 a minute. There are 60 minutes in an hour, so we're talking a whopping $90 hourly wage! Where else on this campus can you find a $90 per hour job -- one that doesn't involve working with Professor Ward, at least? Now, I must admit, I have yet to figure out how to list this job on my resume. "Quarter Taker" doesn't sound too glamorous, and "Twenty-five Cent Thief" gives the wrong impression. But hell, who needs a resume when you're pulling in $90 an hour? That's $3,600 a week (no paid vacations or sick days, of course). Working just 14 weeks per year -- one semester -- will net you $50,400. What could be better? It's the salary of an investment banker, but without all of the take-out Chinese food. However, an overall, larger question looms. Why do we work in the first place? Some say we work for our paychecks, but I have a feeling we'd all be just as happy to accept Visa. True, we work to stay busy and to pursue personal goals, but both of these can be achieved simply by playing a game of three-way Parcheesi. Still others will argue that the concept of work dates back to Adam's eating the apple in the Garden of Eden. However, one must believe in original sin, as well as in talking snakes, if he is to support this view. But maybe we can't change the fact that we work. Perhaps, as L. Frank Baum (or was it I. Goldberg?) so aptly stated, we are "bound to our plowshares until eternity, or at least until Man invents a self-powered riding mower." But the way we work can certainly be improved. Consider this: the average American works 50 weeks a year for two weeks of vacation; he works five days a week for two days of rest over the weekend; and he works eight hours a day for 16 hours off, half of which is spent sleeping. Our current work week is not only unproductive, it's downright bothersome. So here's my solution: I say we cram our entire work week into one long 40-hour period. Instead of eight hours a day for five days, we would work for 40 straight hours and then take the rest of the week off. This means that Joe American would report to work at 9 a.m. Monday morning, and then he'd just stay on the job until Wednesday at l a.m. This would give him all of Wednesday through Sunday entirely free, making every week feel like the one after Thanksgiving. Even if he takes one or two hour-long lunch breaks, he'll still come out with much more quality free time than he's got right now. And on Memorial Day Weekend or Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, when we normally get Monday off?well, that pretty much means a week's vacation for all of us. It really is perfect. Plus, we cut down enormously on commuting time. So, my friends -- the choice is ours. We are the new generation of working Americans. It is up to us to determine our own fate in the workplace. No one can force us to do anything we don't want to -- except maybe our parents. I urge you to join me in demanding a 40-hour-straight work period. It is certainly possible that man will never discover the perfect Job. But we can implement a perfect work week. Bring a winning attitude, grab your hard hat, and don't forget the Vivarin. Maybe we'll hang out on Wednesday around 1 a.m.