Ivy Roundup: Chokers, chuckers, weirdos, kickers and losers

STEPHEN KARASIK STEPHEN KARASIKDaily Pennsylvanian Sports Writer On Saturday night, Joe Carter spoiled the chances of those beer-guzzling, tobacco-spewing, crotch-itching bunch of "baseball players" otherwise known as the Phillies of going from last place to World Series Champions. Well, at least Philly still has the Eagles. Oh, sorry. We forgot that New York Jet immortal Ken (no relation to Conan) O'Brien is now the starting quarterback. I guess the Eagles could have fun golfing in January. And, judging by the recent performances of the Flyers and Sixers, not even the 7-6, 100-pound Shawn Bradley or Eric "I like getting wasted and beating up French-Canadiens in bars" Lindros will lead their respective teams to great success this season. Well, we guess that leaves only one sports powerhouse in the City of Brotherly Love. And who may they be? The Penn Quakers of course. Following their 34-9 whooping of the Brown Bears this past Saturday, the undefeated Quakers fully demonstrated why they are among college football's elite. And, while we here at Roundup have been religiously following the nation's hottest pigskin squad, we have still managed to keep a watchful eye on the goings on in the Ivy League. So, without further ado, let's get it on. And the latest choke incident came Saturday, with a chance to defeat Jay Fiedler and his sorry-ass Dartmouth Big Green. After building up a 21-6 lead in the third quarter, the Big (in name only) Red blew it big time, giving up 233 second-half passing yards to Fiedler – including a 29-yard TD pass with five minutes left – to lose the game 28-27. And, to add insult to injury, the final margin of victory was decided on a blocked extra point. With Cornell ahead 27-14, troubled place kicker Tim McDermott, the Ivy League's worst kicker, kicked the possible extra-point right into the collective fat butts of his (truly offensive) line. From there, Big Green defensive back Joe Perry picked up the ball and ran it back 85 yards for a rare two points. Instead of Cornell being up a commanding 28-14, the score was 27-16, and you know the rest. One Cornell player who did have a good game was linebacker Chris Zingo, who had 25 tackles and a fumble recovery. Could he explain Cornell's ineptitude? "We've played hard in all of our games but we've just had trouble putting things together," Zingo said. "When the defense plays well, it seems like the offense always stalls. And when the offense puts things together, the defense's production falls off. It's been a real problem." And we here at Roundup thought that the biggest problem in Ithaca was not having enough cows to tip over. But what about the fact that the Big Red were victimized by all-Ivy underachiever and egomaniac Jay Fielder. "We did a great job of containing [Fiedler] in the first half," Zingo continued. "But he just exploded (not literally) when the second half began. If he gets hot, a kid like Fiedler can kill you at any time. It wasn't due to a lack of effort on our part." Lack of effort? Anyone knows that takes more than a good quarterback to rally a team back from a three-touchdown deficit. It also takes a pretty bad defense. While it seems everyone is giving running back Keith "I think I'm the next Emmitt Smith but I'm really an overweight, slow, out-of-shape dork" Elias credit for all of Princeton's success (however little it may be) this season, senior quarterback Joel Foote has also been a main reason why the Tigers are undefeated. This past Saturday, Foote engineered a Princeton comeback highlighted by his 58-yard TD pass to Marc Ross to seal the game. So, obviously, one wonders with all the attention given to Keith, does Foote suffer from a little Elias envy? Elias himself decided to shed some light on the situation. "Joel is a quiet type of a kid," Elias said. "He likes to lead by example alone, where I'm a more vocal type of a guy. That may explain why I get a little more of attention." Well Keith, judging by your stellar vocabulary and diction exhibited in this quote, it's hard to see how you can be outspoken at all. Please Keith, go on. "Joel is a perfect leader," Elias said. "He always puts the offense in a good position to score. That's what's most important. From there, myself and the rest of the offense can try and punch the ball in." Real modest, Keith. Now the question remains, does Elias ever suffer from a little Foote envy? According to our sources, new Patriots head coach Bill Parcells has finally admitted that his 1-6 team really does, pardon the expression, suck. But, Sims wasn't in camp because Parcells was displeased with the performance of punter Mike Saxon. The reason Sims was there was because Saxon is getting too tired from punting so much, since Drew Bledsoe and his million-dollar arm haven't been getting it done. Parcells is now trying to be a trend-setter and use the rotating 2-punter system. "They brought Sims in here on Monday," said an official for the Patsies. "Actually, the coaches were pretty impressed with him. They thought that he looked pretty good out there." So, did he make the team? "We bring people in routinely," the official said. "We have no further comment. He looked pretty good, though." Only pretty good? Who are they kidding? These coaches obviously don't have a clue about recognizing pure football talent, if their team's record is any indication. If that's the way they feel, screw the Patriots. They can take their clam-chowder eating, Red-Sox loving, phony-accent talking, Cheers-watching team and shove it where the sun don't shine. Of course, if the Pats sign Rob, we here at Roundup take it all back.