GUEST COLUMN: "?She Said"

Accomanied by David Chun's column, "He Said?" "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Katherine Hepburn · Why do men persist in such Neanderthal ways and modes of thinking? You know, when men forget to use the brains they have? You may be perplexed -- even shocked -- why I did not pose the question: Why are men ruled by their hormones -- that is, why are they all such dawgs? The answer is quite simple, really. It's practically fact. Most men will get a goofy smile on their face, readily agree and say, "Yeah booty!" So I chose a somewhat more subtle tack to study the constant conflict between women and boys -- and, oh yes, I do mean boys. Actually, I went to elementary school with a boy who looked quite Neanderthal. Oh, but I digress. So what do I really mean? Let me illustrate my point with a few examples of this stone age mentality: First, there is that couch potato, clicker-in-hand Bundy-esque style of watching the "boob" tube. Is it that subtle reference to the female anatomy that makes men impervious to anything and everything else that happens around them when those electrons start to flow? The only evidence that there has been progress up the evolutionary scale, since language and intellect obviously aren't in evidence, is that difficult decision-making between the beer in the right hand and the remote in the left. Second, there is the male ego to contend with. Have you ever been the witness to one of those male-to-male, heinously boring ego trips? You know what I mean -- one assumes a condescending stance, gives a haughty toss of the head and begins a diatribe on the most uninteresting of themes while the other seems duly impressed. And it could go on for hours. Fascinating, guys! Go on, admit it, guys. It has got to bore you as much as it does those innocent victims who happen to overhear. Third -- and definitely my favorite -- there is the use of the pickup line. Has the brain stultified so much that men resort to such pathetic conversation starters? Some are about as subtle as clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her off. In case you didn't know, these following goodies have all been used before a lot! 1. "Who took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes?" Nice attempt to rhyme but not likely to score any big points. 2. "Hey, that's a nice sweater. I bet it'd look great on my floor." Cheesy! Too bad you'll never find out. 3. "Did anyone ever tell you you look just like?" In my case it's usually "just like my ex-girlfriend" or "just like my little sister." Gee, wonder why I'm not so fond of this one. Very romantic. Finally, there is the question of why chauvinism is often termed chivalry. Don't get me wrong. I love well-intentioned chivalry like helping me on with my coat. Then there is the type of chilvalry I get when I'm out on maneuvers in the Reserve Officers Training Corps. What I don't get is how not allowing women to come home in bodybags falls under the guise of chivalry? My male ROTC friends assure me that it is the last great bastion of chivalry. They recall the days of yore when a knight would ride off to battle to aid the damsel in distress. I disagree. In combat, chivalry may be allowing the damsel to walk ahead -- remember this one, guys, it's a good excuse for staying in the rear -- but certainly not slamming the transport's door in her face. Oh, but I digress again. Talking about men usually makes me do that. You see, women -- regardless of social class -- have a certain refinement in their nature that is apparently absent in the other gender. Bonding sessions among women rarely take on the pre-evolutionary characteristics sometimes displayed during those of their male counterparts. Men are far more physical in their dealings with one another. I just can't remember the last time I had a wrestling match with one of my girlfriends. But despite their often brutish ways, I love men. I can honestly say that I couldn't live without them. I may want to kill them the majority of the time, but isn't that what makes life more interesting? Although I may never find that perfect blend of Cary Grant/Tyrone Power-suave, Jimmy Stewart- sentimentally goofy, Sean Connery-sexy and James Dean-bad-boy-cool, I'll be happy as long as he leaves his club behind and doesn't order pterodactyl burgers at the restaurant. After all, Betty had Barnie, Frankie had Johnny, Juliette had Romeo, Madonna had?OK, bad example. But I think you get the point. In the wise words of my grandmother, "There is never an old shoe that there isn't a foot to match it."