COLUMN: "The Political Pulse of Penn"

From Caren Lissner's "Pretty Sneaky Sis," Spring '92. According to the "1992 Election Countdown/Daily Horoscope Calendar" that I bought at Encore Books yesterday for a dollar, there are approximately 211 days left until the Presidential elections. Being a good citizen, I've kept my ears open for the last few months so that I could find a candidate to support. Unfortunately, my ears only detected four different phrases uttered by the candidates during debates, which have been cleverly rearranged in 200 different ways for use everywhere. These are the phrases: "Well, I was the one who introduced that policy." "You forget, I was the committee chariman during that time." "Well, I was behind that policy when everyone else was against it." "Well, I worked with Jack Kennedy." I can only assume that most of our candidates started out running for student government in college. After all, most of the candidates' statements for Undergraduate Assembly this week read something like this: "JOHN SMITH #37. Hi. I'm John Smith and I'm running for the Undergraduate Assembly. I'm not going to bore you with what I want to accomplish and what I think the most important issues are. I'm not going to make empty promises like everyone else on this page. Nor am I looking for a resume builder or an ego trip. That's why you should vote for me, JOHN SMITH, number 37 BUT FIRST ON YOUR LIST." It would be nice if, next to the candidates' names, we could find out if they're currently on the UA and what year they are in school. But I wouldn't want them to bore everyone with it. · When I was a wee high school senior looking through The Insider's Guide to the Colleges, published by students at a New Haven university that shall remain nameless, I noted that it said "Penn students tend to be fairly conservative and politically passive." I was scared. I had just read an article about The Dartmouth Review, the infamous weekly staple of Dartmouth life that supplies students with rantings against affirmative action, gay rights and abortion. Posters in the Review staffer's office, according to the article, read "Work hard -- millions on welfare are depending on you." And on a bulletin board, the editors posted the achievements of the Review alumni, many of whom had gone on to high-ranking jobs in the government. I dreaded the presence of such a newspaper at Penn. But I was surprised to find, upon arrival, the opposite situation: there was only one newspaper that came out frequently, and Penn students did not seem to be "fairly conservative." After all, 77 percent of students who voted in last November's senatorial race voted for Harris Wofford as compared with the statewide 55 percent. And the closest thing we have to the Review is The Red and Blue, which came out twice this year. Y***'s college guide appeared to be dead wrong. But most of the students I talked to last week agreed with the Insider's Guide. Red and Blue Editor Enrique Abeyta said that Penn is conservative among universities, but that the "15 percent activist population" here is predominantly liberal. He added that "Conservative on campus means liberal in the real world, and liberal on campus borders on socialism in the real world." Freshman Thomas Murtaugh, who donated money to Abeyta's publication at the beginning of the year, said he too feels that this is a predominantly conservative campus, but that when he arrived on campus he felt "bombarded with liberal sentiment." Murtaugh said the conservative suburb of Chicago from which he hails is a "far cry from the Northeast," and he has argued with students standing in line for lunch and with a professor over his views. But he still feels that there are many conservatives on this campus. They're just "keeping quiet." It's a shame that they're keeping quiet. Although we're fortunate not to be subjected to another Dartmouth Review, it would be nice to see an alternative newspaper at Penn. Luckily, Abeyta says The Red and Blue will be back in a few weeks. I'm glad. I rarely agree with it, but it's interesting reading, sort of in the same way that forces me to listen to Howard Stern on WYSP every morning. Despite the fact that he constantly throws tantrums about not getting the respect he deserves, despite the fact that he claims every new song parody he does is the best one yet, despite the fact that he's tasteless, I have to listen. I don't pay much attention when he's auditioning massage girls and discussing his sex life, but there was one point in October that I actually thought to myself in the morning, thank God for Howard Stern. If it weren't for his gossipy news reports at 8:45 a.m., I wouldn't get to hear an honest opinion on anything all day. I know I'm not the only one who is forced to resort to listening to Howard and sidekick Robin Quivers. A high percentage of students on this campus listen to them, but few want to admit it. A friend of mine started a conversation last week by saying, "Not that I listen to him, but did you hear on Howard Stern this morning when . . . " Once in a while I'm glad Howard Stern says some of the things he says. On campus, I'd like to see similar evidence that someone is really out there. I wouldn't like to see actual carbon copy Howard Stern's walking around -- he can get pretty disgusting -- but I would like to see something. For now, I'd like to see people on this campus try to prove the Y*** Insider's Guide wrong and not be "passive." Start a new newspaper, write a decent UA candidate statement, or do weird things to all the Ben Franklin statues. (To whomever was responsible for the giant Gumby that got stuck on top of our founder on Mischief Night: I was really impressed.) Until then, I'm going to have to keep listening to bad bits imported from New York. What a pathetic thing to look forward to every morning. · Caren Lissner is a junior English major from New Jersey, New York and Massachusetts. Pretty Sneaky Sis appears alternate Fridays.