COLUMN: "Auditing 'Tax Prep 101'"

From John Lennon's "Stepping on the Big Man's Toes," Spring '92. A: Smurfs wearing eyeliner? David Duke stopping by the Democratic National Convention and being beaten to within an inch of his life? Barry Manilow and Luther Vandross singing duets of unrequited love? No! The answer, of course, is the 1040 Federal Tax Form for 1991, which I just picked up the other day at the public library. Generally I would never do this. I have a special technique which I use every year to file my tax form: STEP ONE: Receive a bunch of pieces of paper in the mail. STEP TWO: Send them to my dad, who does my taxes for me under the logic that I am a college student and have too many important academic things to do and can't be bothered with such piddling matters as federal income tax. This plan seems to work pretty well. But it struck me the other day that I'm graduating in May, and I won't have this student thing to whine about anymore, so I obtained an actual tax form and read it. Believe it or not, it isn't bad, really. So I have decided, in this column's tradition of clarifying and simplifying life's great hardships for my fellow students, to prepare the: QUICK 'N EASY INSTRUCTIONS FOR FORM 1040 Label. This section is a piece of cake. All you have to do is fill in your name, your spouse's name, your social security number, your spouse's college roommate's social security number, your spouse's college roommate's sister's hamster's veterinarian's social security number, etc. Ignore the stuff about the Privacy Act, the Paperwork Reduction Act, the Balancing Act, and the Act Where We Repossess Everything You Own, Even Your Foghat Records. Filing Status. Check a box. Are you: 1. Single? 2. Married Filing Joint Return? 3. Married Filing Separate Return? 4. Married, Separating A Joint And Returning To The Hospital? 5. Smoking A Joint And Getting Married? 6. Dead? Exemptions. The Internal Revenue Service encourages taxpayers to formulate exemptions. For instance, I have the following dependents: 1. Una, my cat, who depends on me to supply perishable items, such as research papers or furniture, for her to tear to tiny pieces and pee on. 2. Andy, my roommate, who sometimes depends on me for a ride to the post office. 3. Gail, my neighbor, who depends on me to lend her pieces of bread that she never returns, because when she's making meatloaf and the recipe requires bread crumbs, but she doesn't have any, she can't just walk one measly block to Sam's and buy her own damn bread. 4. Some guy last month who didn't have enough change on the bus, so I gave him a quarter. This should bring down what I owe considerably. Income. This is where you list your income. It's important that you report every single cent that you made. This includes the five bucks you got from the psychology department for answering questionnaires with questions like, "Which best describes your feelings toward your parents? A. Hatred B. Spite C. Anger D. Unconditional, Eternal, Devotional Love That Will Never Fade, Even Long After They're Dead." It also includes tips. Adjustments to Income, Adjusted Gross Income, Adjusted Adjustments to Grossly Adjusted Income, Maladjusted Incoming & Grossness. Don't worry about these sections; the IRS knows how stressed you are about all this and threw them in as a joke. Tax Computation. You'll notice that there is a message in this section that reads, "If you want the IRS to figure your tax, see page 24." It's easy to find, right there between "If you want George Bush to cast your vote for you this year, see page 32" and "If you want Mike Tyson to date your daughter, see page 17." Ignore these messages. Just put a lot of numbers and check marks in all the boxes and spaces. The IRS will see you are trying and will give you points for effort. Credits. Put the number nine in the space provided. Other Taxes. Basically, this is where the IRS asks you if you want to pay any extra taxes, you know, just to help out. Tell them that you're really sorry, you'd love to give them a hand and all, but you're really short this week, and you can't spare the cash, but maybe you'll be able to next year. They'll appreciate the thought. Payments. If your annual net fiscal bond certificates of annuity meet the taxable advance earned unreported debited excess guidelines as outlined in paragraph 2-F of page 34 in the Federal Handbook for Form 1834-R-21.5, draw a smiley face in the space provided. Otherwise, fill in the letter H. Refund or Amount You Owe. I pick "Refund" every year. Fill in the amount you'd like refunded, say, seven hundred thousand dollars, and the IRS will send you that amount if there's any money left over from their annual Valentine's Day blowout bash. Sign Here. Sign there. There! You've done it! You tax form is finished, and you can rest easy until the severe-looking men wearing overcoats and sunglasses come and pick you up. If you still can't figure the 1040 out, pick up the much simpler 1040EZ, 1040BLT, or 1040ZZTop. Or just send a bunch of pieces of paper to my dad. John Lennon is a senior English major from Phillipsburg, New Jersey. Stepping on the Big Man's Toes appears alternate Mondays.