COLUMN: "Unreal Estate"

From John Lennon's "Stepping on the Big Man's Toes," Spring '92. U. STUDENT IMMOLATES SELF, ROOMMATES IN FIT OF RAGE CONCERNED UA PASSES ANTI-IMMOLATION RESOLUTION BEFORE TAKING DONUT BREAK. For this reason, everyone will soon be seeking a new place to live. Strangers will be knocking on your door, asking to see your apartment. Landlords will be calling you on the phone, demanding your last few months' rent. And realtors will be slipping hallucinogenic drugs into your drinks to make you think their buildings are much nicer than they really are . . . REALTOR: Notice the high ceilings and ornate woodwork. YOU: Yeah, man, wow. REALTOR: And see the spotless kitchen and modern appliances? YOU: Whoa, yeah, I see 'em man, I see 'em. REALTOR: And look over here. An original Van Gogh! As a result, you, the consumer, have to be careful. This is why I have decided to supply you with a few helpful tips on picking a new apartment. Location. This, as any realtor can tell you between lunges for your wallet, is the most important consideration in choosing a new apartment. You'll be looking for an apartment in the University City area rather than one in, say, Guam. You should make this perfectly clear to the realtor: YOU: Before this goes any further, I should tell you that I don't want to live in Guam. REALTOR: Um. . . okay, how about 39th and Pine? Also, you'll want to live in a nice neighborhood, one that is relatively free of decrepit buildings, burned-out husks of cars, crack houses, fire-breathing dragons, etc. An apartment in a nice neighborhood, however, will probably cost you about seven million dollars, plus utilities. Which brings us to . . . Price. It's not too difficult to find a decent apartment for under $300. Ha! Ha! That's a joke, of course; here's what will happen if you tell a realtor that you're looking for a place for under $300: REALTOR (holding photograph): Take a look at this apartment! It has excellent ventilation, it's close to campus, there's parking nearby . . . YOU: Where? I don't see any apartment. REALTOR (pointing): Why, right there, of course. YOU: But that's a cardboard box. REALTOR: Well, it's a big cardboard box. So you're going to have to shell out a little more. And keep in mind that your landlord will want the first and last months' rent right away, plus a security deposit. If you don't have that much lying around, most landlords will accept your first child, pending its birth, or a pound of flesh. Neighbors. You'll want to find some nice neighbors to live near. For instance, my apartment is in close proximity to The Guys Who Are Always Getting Drunk On The Porch, The Insane Woman And Her Gimpy Dog, The Guy Who Blows Bubbles, The Screeching Lady, and The People Who Play The Same Art Of Noise Song Over And Over Really Loud And Then Have Sex To It. You may not be able to find as colorful and intriguing neighbors as I have, but here are a few for you to avoid: · The Guy Who Lights Himself On Fire. · The People Who Think They Are Vikings. · The Woman Who Stabs Passersby With An Apple Corer. · The Couple Who Look Nice Enough But Are Actually Demon Mass Murderer Nazi Rapists From Hell. Landlord. You should choose your landlord carefully, because God knows you don't want some lunatic ripping you off all the time. You want a pleasant, understanding person to rip you off. Take my landlord, for example. He is a friendly, docile man of ninety-seven who stiffs my roommate and me politely and calmly: JOHN AND ANDREW: Yes, well, the light bulb in the hall has burned out, the basement is flooding, the furnace is broken, the second floor has collapsed into our living room, there is an armed battalion of rats who won't allow us to enter the kitchen, the electricity has gone out, the gas main is broken and is emptying into the bathroom, and the building is on fire. OUR LANDLORD: Hmmm. I'll get that light bulb replaced by next week. Now, a lousy landlord would have said, "Buy your own damn light bulb," so we're pretty lucky, I think. Building Quality. Check an apartment thoroughly before you sign anything. Here are some things to look for: · Wiring. A good rule to follow regarding the wiring is: If you can see any of it, don't live there. Otherwise visitors will fall victim to scenes like this: VISITOR: Say, nice apartment! I'll just put my coat here on this . . . GUAAAAHHRRRRG GGGHHH! (Bzzt! Bzzt! Crackle!) · Plumbing. Turn on the faucet, then use this troubleshooting guide to decide what to do: IF WATER COMES OUT: The plumbing is fine. IF ANYTHING ELSE COMES OUT: The plumbing is not fine. · Structural Integrity. Knock on a few walls. If they sound hollow and weak, or if any small animals or dead bodies come crashing out, you should probably seek an alternative residence. Anyway, happy apartment-hunting! If any of you want to move into my place after I graduate, we should have that light bulb fixed any day now. John Lennon is a senior English major from Phillipsburg, New Jersey. Stepping on the Big Man's Toes appears alternate Mondays.