Marv Dash
Recent articles
Joke Issue: Penn replaced in Big 5 by rival Drexel
After being snubbed from the NCAA Tournament with a 29-7 record, the Dragons have been invited to join the Big 5 and replace Penn as the token member on 33rd Street.
Joke Issue: BREAKING: Sr. F Belcore jumps over piece of paper
Tuesday evening at the ESPN Sports Science laboratory, Rob Belcore performed what seemed impossible four years ago: he jumped over a piece of paper.
Joke Issue: Field Hockey to get new field
On Tuesday, Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky announced he would be installing an AstroTurf field in the Penn Park space between the tennis courts and the South Street Bridge.
Joke Issue: Quidditch becomes newest varsity sport
On Wednesday, Penn’s athletic director Steve Bilsky announced that Penn would add a varsity team next year: Quidditch.
*Wrestling | Peterkin packs on pounds
Rollie Peterkin stepped onto the electronic scale, unsure of what he might see. The red digits on the scale's display proceeded to flash convulsively. In less than five seconds, the display read "Error." Here, in the Penn wrestling team's Pottruck Wrestling Complex next to the Palestra, Peterkin decided to try the other scale.
*From the spotlight to the fluorescent light
This was where David Whitehurst was meant to be. The former Penn basketball player, who has not played in two years due to academic ineligibility, was a starter on an NCAA Tournament team, scored 15 points on national television against Duke in 2005 and was the Quakers' best athlete.
*Brown learns gyroball to help in love life, pitching
Former Penn closer Doug Brown may have found the secret to revive his pitching career. And believers in baseball's new mystical pitch may have to look no further than Meiklejohn Stadium. Brown has learned how to throw a "gyroball," a pitch allegedly invented by an Asian physicist and thrown by new Red Sox starter Daisuke Matsuzaka.
The Kamin Cup: DPOSTM can't handle cheating Weenie squad
It was a miracle on 33rd Street yesterday for the Weenies of The Daily Pennsylvanian. The non-sports staff defeated a clearly superior DPOSTM squad 14-7 in a highly controversial game at Franklin Field in the 122nd Annual Kamin Cup. The estimated crowd of three people and two bicycles witnessed the spectacle, as the Weenies' travesty of a team featured only Photo and Street ringers and failed to have a girl on the field at all times, a flagrant violation of Cup rules.
