COLUMN: "Incestuous Menage-a-Geek"

From Andrew Sernovitz's "Mall Rats With Big Hair," Spring '92. I thought I'd seen everything. Thanks to those pussy-shlurping lame-o's in our student government, however, I've got something new to write about. I always knew SAC, SPEC, and the UA are in some kind of incestuous menage-a-geek. I knew that they were slippin' a little beef sausage to each other in their Houston Hall love nest. But I never expected them to reproduce. SAC and SPEC just formed the Joint Co-Sponsorship Board. The JCB is supposed to fund student activities that "fall between the cracks of the two organizations' funding powers." I think it's just another excuse for our self-righteous, over-eager, resume building, fart-eating student government leaders to fall into each others' cracks. Get your head out of your ass. You've gone too far. You guys are stupid. You always have been stupid. That's why we elected you to student government -- so you could do stupid things with your stupid friends and stay out of our lives. We hated all you student government dorks in high school, and we still hate you. But this time you've crossed the line. I'm gonna have to take you out. Let me see if I've got this straight. The UA gives money to SAC. The UA gives money to SPEC. SAC and SPEC give money to the JCB. Money laundering scheme? Secret arbitrage opportunity? Rumor has it that Mitch Winston is actually Michael Milken, escaped from prison and back at Penn. The JCB is actually a front organization designed to relay money from Ivan Boesky to Chris Clemente's secret dating service for guys who don't deal drugs but like to have their picture taken with automatic weapons. The JCB is going to be composed of two SAC members, two SPEC members, and a UA member. Let's add Curious George and the Rain Man. What exactly are these wonderbrains supposed to do? What kind of student activity isn't covered by the Student Activity Council? Doesn't the name imply that these guys are supposed to fund student activities? If SAC can fund Penn Balalaika Orchestra and Punch Bowl, they should be able to find room for other activities. Why can't we just have one guy sit down, make a list of entertainers, and hire them? Is this such a problem? Every single fraternity social chairman has planned better activities -- with less money -- than SPEC has done since it was created. If SAC, SPEC and UA members have all sorts of good ideas for the JCB, they should stay in their existing organization and fund the same activities. The JCB does absolutely nothing. It is another idea pulled out of someone's ass that is going to waste our time and money. What are we gaining? What are they doing? I'll tell you. These sub-morons are all trying to get cool internships, but they realized that their resumes were too short because they've been jacking each other off in UA meetings for the last three years. So they spawned another acronym to add to their list of accomplishments. They got their new resume puffer. Now they should get a life. UA member You-Lee Kim said that this organization would add to the "proliferation of bureaucracy" in student government. You said it, You, not me. How was your lobotomy? Did everything come out O.K.? It's time to shut down student government. SHUT DOWN STUDENT GOVERNMENT. SHUT DOWN STUDENT GOVERNMENT. Shut it down before we all get laughed out of the Ivies. Shut it down before Jerry Brown runs for UA chair. SAC Chairperson Brandon Fitzgerald wants to hold an information session with UA members to explain to UA members exactly what SAC does. The UA created SAC and funds SAC. And they need to be told what they are funding? They haven't done shit. They never have and they never will. For all the hundred of thousands of dollars they've been given, we sure haven't gotten our money's worth. We're the only university I've ever heard of that can't even get decent movies on campus. Why don't one of those dolts go to Video Library and show Bill and Ted on a widescreen TV? That would be fun, or at least something to do while we wait for Phi Psi to throw another raging bash. This election they couldn't even fill all the UA seats. No surprise there -- no one ran for UA because it's so obviously useless to the rest of the world. Or maybe everyone else qualified for the position is living outside Wawa. Members of student government have been so busy picking lice out of each other's armpits that they can't do anything worthwhile. These people should be immediately expelled, tied to the Button naked and covered with honey and cheese doodles until the buzzards pick their bones dry. If SAC and SPEC don't get rid of this fundamentally stupid JCB idea before the end of the school year, I'm going to personally go to the next UA meeting with a lot of smelly frat guys and stage a coup. I'll take over. I'll take all the money and bring the Red Hot Chili Peppers back to campus. I'll buy cheeseburgers for everyone. I'll buy a lot of kegs and some good smoke. And I'll have everyone in student government dropped in the Schuylkill so they can live like the worthless squids that they are. Andy Sernovitz is a senior Marketing and Political Science major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats with Big Hair appears alternate Wednesdays.