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(04/14/97 9:00am)
The Only Staff That Matters drubbed the Weenies, 27-9 yesterday. FRANKLIN FIELD -- Softball players aren't supposed to be distance runners. But if you try telling that to Weenies outfielders Scott Lanman and Mike Mugmon, they would probably try to kick your ass. Don't worry, they can't. Lanman and Mugmon, in leftfield and centerfield, respectively, ran about five miles each trying to chase down home runs hit, as every player on The Only Staff That Matters hit at least one bomb. The end result -- a DPOSTM 27-9 drubbing over the Weenies. The Franklin Field turf was still wet from Saturday's rain, but that didn't stop DPOSTM from unleashing the lions in their bats. "If we learned anything, it's that you can't play deep enough against DPOSTM," Lanman said. "They were hitting the cover off the ball." After being tied at three, DPOSTM batters Matt Benbassat, Scott "Tequila" Miller, Marc "Whatchamacallit" Chodock and Matt "Lymon" Wurst went on a hitting barrage that left the softball in a permanent state of an ellipsoid and Weenies trying to catch their breath. Wurst, however, stunk up West Philadelphia with his poor batting practice showing, as members of the official Penn softball team looked on. But for the Weenies, it was simply another exercise in futility to add to their long tradition of being humbled by DPOSTM. "They cheated," Weenies coach Yochanan "Mr. Fleiss" Dreazen said. "But we'll kick their ass in any other sport." Apparently Dreazen meant any other sport except football, as DPOSTM has also won the Kamin Cup two years running. "I was definitely ready to rumble," DPOSTM rightfielder Srik "Let's Get" Reddy "To Rumble" said. "They couldn't hit the ball out of the infield -- especially that Eric "Jasper" Goldstein kid," Reddy continued. Mugmon and Weenies third baseman Dan Feinberg sucked, but the two did combine for the only Weenies RBIs on the night. DPOSTM travels to Veterans Stadium to take on the Phillies tomorrow night, and the Weenies will continue to play with themselves.
(11/19/96 10:00am)
The Daily Pennsylvanian's Only Staff That Matters wide receiver, Wharton senior, 6-foot-4 freshman, former Weekly Pennsylvanian Sports Editor, former softball and swimming beat reporter and Vice Provost for the executive council of Roundup Joanna Jacobs reached up to catch a football for a touchdown to win the annual Kamin Cup football game according to a spokesperson at Franklin Field who wished to remain anonymous. Can't understand a word, but want to keep reading stuff like this? Turn to Page 1. Here's the real story? "The Catch That Made The Weenies Go Limp" will go down in the archives as the greatest moment in intra-Pink Palace sports history. The last-minute, Hail Mary toss from third-string quarterback Scott "Tequila" Miller was tipped by fellow DPOSTMite Srik Reddy before Joanna Jacobs miraculously hauled in the pass and the game-winning touchdown, giving Sports the expected 12-8 victory over the weenies. "I was definitely Reddy to rumble," Srik said after he tipped the ball. "We came out fighting, and we never lost that intensity." "I've been training my whole career for this game, and I did it," Jacobs said. "Now that I've accomplished my dream at Penn, I might have to transfer." After a scoreless first half, the Weenies actually took the early lead as Jeff "Benedict Arnold" Wieland ran the ball in the end zone via a quarterback sneak to put the Weenies up 8-0. But DPOSTM stormed back behind the arm of offensive coordinator Miller, who in a controversial move, inserted himself at QB. Proving the naysayers on the sidelines -- who were yelling "get him outta there, he sucks" -- wrong, Miller led the team down the field, completing a TD pass to J.J. "J.J." Ivaska, who caught the ball at the 10-yard line and ran sideways into the end zone. But the two-point conversion failed, and time, kept by King Weenie Adam Mark by looking at the sun, was running out. So DPOSTM had one more drive left, and boy did they took advantage of it. With the Weenies, or at least Queen Weenie Randi Feigenbaum, engaged in a fascinating conversation about the 21st Century Plan, Miller lofted a long pass to Moosehead, which set up the final play. And what made that final play even more impressive was that Jacobs was able to elude Placa Jaclyn La, who was on her like glue the entire game. "Joanna is a very good player; I suck," said Jaclyn La, who pleaded not to be quoted. Obviously, she took the loss hard. All the Weenies did, as they scapegoated the loss on the refereeing of Mark. C'mon folks, it's just a game.
(12/04/95 10:00am)
"DP Sports took an early two-touchdown lead and ran out to a 24-6 victory over the rest of the paper in yesterday's annual Kamin Cup game at Franklin Field." That's how they would write it. Here's how we'd write it: For three years, DP Sports suffered the humiliation of losing to the rest of the paper in the Kamin Cup. A loss yesterday would make the graduating seniors the only class in DPOSTM history to graduate without a Kamin Cup win over the Weenies. But the four graduating seniors wouldn't let it happen, and they had help from the most promising group of young DPOSTM players in quite a while. Yesterday's 24-6 thrashing of the Weenies at a sold-out Franklin Field left no doubt that a new era had been inaugurated in impressive fashion. With a finely-tuned offense and stifling defense, the DP's Only Staff That Matters took back what was rightfully theirs and earned a refreshing shower of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The game began the way it would end: with Sports shutting down the Weenie offense on the first possession of the game. "We knew going into the game that the defensive key would be stopping [Weenie quarterback Peter] Morrisson," defensive end Luke DeCock said. "Especially since he's the only player they've got with any talent. When we did that on the opening drive, it was a great boost to our confidence as a defensive unit. You could tell he was really shaken." DPOSTM built on the defensive stop and drove the length of the field, opening the scoring with a touchdown pass from flanker Jed Walentas to quarterback Matt Wasowski on a perfectly executed flea-flicker. The conversion failed but Sports led 6-0, a lead it would never relinquish. "As the films showed, any sort of misdirection play pretty much leaves the Weenies dazed and confused," Walentas said. "This one was no different. Wasowski was as open as they get. There wasn't a Weenie in the same zip code." Trying to fight back from behind, the Weenies resorted to their slow-down offense, a strategy hampered by their receivers' amazing inability to catch the ball. Receiver Kunal Bajaj in particular found many new ways to avoid catching the football, including an amazing head-first dive onto the track. "There were a couple of dropped passes at inopportune times, but I also made a couple bad throws at inopportune times," Morrisson said. "I don't think the blame can be placed anywhere." After a Wasowski pass was picked off by Weenie safety Forrest Fineman, the Weenies had one more shot at the end zone, but DPOSTM's defense made an amazing goal-line stand keyed by defensive back Srik Reddy and outside linebacker, DP sports writer, UA Treasurer, SAC Finance member and Penn Watch Treasurer Steve Schorr. Bajaj helped the DPOSTM effort immeasurably by dropping innumerable passes, culminating in the aforementioned swan dive onto and kissing of the track. It was an angry DPOSTM team that took the field for the second half, having dominated but leading by only a single score. "We were pissed off," defensive back Nick Hut said. "Not so much with the way we were playing, but the way the game was being officiated" by executive editor and Chief Weenie Chuckles Ornstein. That anger overflowed in the physical second half, as Wasowski quickly found Jared Belsky to put Sports up 12-0. News answered back with a toss from Morrisson to rookie Yochi Dreazen, but that was as close as the Weenies would come. "It was like we put them in shackles," said Hut of the stellar defensive play. Morrisson had no choice but to agree. "I think we had a little bit of a problem moving the ball today," he said. "Some of our defensive backs just weren't as athletic as the receivers they were covering." Wasowski tossed two more touchdowns, one to split end Jason Ross and one to tight end Eric Goldstein to put the icing on the cake. And while veterans like Walentas, Hut, DeCock and safety Andy Meran were a solid core, it took the youngsters to put DPOSTM over the top, yesterday and in the future. "We have the numbers and we have the talent," Goldstein said. "We're losing some key players but we've got the talent to build a dynasty. We won't lose until I graduate." Wasowski, a junior making his first career start, tossed only one pick. Ross, a sophomore and junior Jeff Wieland were persistent threats and two of the receivers with whom Morrisson's cohorts couldn't keep up. Scott Miller was lethal on the defensive line. And Scott Mulhauser's bruising play on the offensive line prompted chants of "Moose" from the assembled multitudes. Freshman Avi Gelboim was solid at safety until the veteran Meran took over in the second half, and the DPOSTM female contingent of Jane Havsy and Anu Balakrishna performed above all expectations. Balakrishna's return after a brutal elbow injury was cited as "an inspiration" by one teammate. In sum, it was a performance more notable for what the future held in store, since the game was over pretty much before it started. "There's no doubt you like to get the young guys out there when you get the chance," DeCock said. "Still, nothing beats beating the living shit out of the Weenies."
(10/05/94 9:00am)
We here at Ivy Roundup have had enough. We accepted the Berlin Wall coming down. We accepted four years of Dan Quayle. We accepted Keith "59 yards" Elias making an NFL roster, and his tryst with hoops coach Pete Carril. And we can even accept Dartmouth quarterback Ren Riley completing more passes than his I.Q. But when our Ancient Eight gridiron sisters sweep a weekend, we must draw the line. We're going on strike. After all, what fun is it when every Ivy team wins? Wait a minute. On second thought, this is the Omniscient Octagon, which we know you all have humid dreams about on Monday night. So there has to be some absurdities to make fun of. · Suspension of the Week Upon further review, it's apparent Roundup is not the only one which wanted to sit out this week. At Cornell, the band decided it couldn't march to the beat of a different drum. So while the percussion section was serving a one-game suspension for bruising the trachea of the Princeton Tiger, the rest of the band decided to sit out as well, well-placed sources told Roundup. Facing the possibility of litigation, the percussion section was under a gag order -- "I'm not opening my mouth," said a dejected drum major Matt French (like the toast), who is said to be pretty skinny now that he isn't eating. "It's not a lighthearted matter." Sure it isn't. French (like the fries) referred Roundup investigators to band manager Dawn Polan, but several calls were unanswered. Apparently, our reputation precedes us. · Ivy League Incarceration of the Week People have been getting in trouble all over the place in the big bad Ivy League. So while most of you would probably give the incarceration award to Penn grad Alex Moskovits, drug trafficking just won't cut it anymore in the Ancient Eight. We here at Roundup give the nod to 1992 Yale alum and former football player Ya-"Cardinal"-Sin Shabazz. Shabazz "allegedly" pointed a 20-gauge shotgun at Riva Brown, a reporter for the Biloxi (Miss.) Sun-Herald. Brown underwent surgery on her abdomen, left arm and leg, and sources at Yale told Roundup she is OK. Thankfully for our safety, Shabazz is behind bars and was unavailable for comment. Sources at The Yale Daily News said they do not fear Shabazz will return to New Haven seeking to cause trouble, and have no plans to change the locks on their doors. Yale coach Carm "I'm Older Than The Dirt We Play On" Cozza, who has been known to spew venom at reporters, but never to go so far as to pump lead into them, said Shabazz "had a real nice personality." Apparently Cozza is as good a judge of personalities as he is of football talent (this year's 3-0 record against scrubs notwithstanding). Roundup officials are currently investigating 1991 and 1992 stories to see if we may have ever offended Shabazz. · Cozza Brain Damage of the Week Maybe Cozza was suffering from brain damage caused by too much exposure of his chrome-dome to the sun, not that it's ever too sunny in New Haven. Cozza called for an on-side kick against Connecticut, but was worried the play would be missed by kicker John Stalzer. The signal was for Cozza to simply and calmly lift his hat, but "allegedly" he lifted up his hat five to 10 times, waving it frantically in the air. "He was panicking," said a source at Yale. However, those UConn guys were pretty oblivious, and the play still managed to work despite Cozza's lack of subtlety. Then the source continued: "The Boston Globe picked us to finish eighth in the Ivies. We knew that was bull. We figured about .500. Some people are talking 10-0 and an Ivy championship. But I know Penn is going to spank us." · Spectator Delusions of the Week Speaking of scandals, previous reports of drug use at The Columbia Spectator did not do justice to the true substance abuse problems of the sports staff. Ecstatic over a win against Lafayette, these guys have circled Oct. 15 -- the date the "mighty" Lions play Penn -- on their calendars. We did find one person who was semi-conscious. He offered this analysis: "Lafayette is not a good football team." When was the last time you heard someone from Columbia saying that? Didn't these guys lose 44 games in a row? Can you say: "The pot calling the kettle black?" Apparently, drugs do funny things to one's memory. Then, alas, he took a whiff of some funny stuff and profoundly said: "We finally have a rushing game. We haven't had that since I've been here, and supposedly before that too." No duh. · Lost Opportunity of the Week Miles Macik had the opportunity to pick that Lafayette-Columbia game, as the Swamis invited the superstar receiver to be their guest in the Pink Palace. Macik was unavailable though, spending Thursday night and Friday morning with a companion. Obviously Miles doesn't need a football field to score. "I would have loved to pick the games," said Macik, who received the message too late. "I'd love to be a Swami. I think you guys are pretty cool." Aw shucks Miles, we think you're cool too -- just not as cool as Wawa's Marco. · Pretty Boy QB of the Week Meet Ren Riley, a Dartmouth junior and San Francisco native. Meet Ren Riley, a 6-foot-4, 215-pound blond, pretty-boy high school scrub. Meet Ren Riley, the Ancient Eight's most uncoordinated quarterback since the days of Brown's Bill Pienas and Trevor Yankoff, who was yanked by coach Mark Whipple. After costing the Slimy Green two games in the final minutes, Roundup's "favorite" quarterback finally succeeded -- if only against Fordham. The boy with two left feet tripped and fell with a clear path to the end zone in a 20-16 loss to Colgate. He got slammed by Penn one foot away from the promised land in a 13-11 to the Quakers. So Saturday, after singlehandedly creating a quarterback controversy, Roundup's "favorite" poster boy for birth control came through in the clutch -- a whopping 147 yards against the porous Ram defense. It just may be time to call back Jay Fiedler -- we hear he's not being used much by the Eagles, except as a tackling dummy.
