IVY ROUNDUP: Band goes on strike; Violence plagues Ivies; TD Macik

We here at Ivy Roundup have had enough. We accepted the Berlin Wall coming down. We accepted four years of Dan Quayle. We accepted Keith "59 yards" Elias making an NFL roster, and his tryst with hoops coach Pete Carril. And we can even accept Dartmouth quarterback Ren Riley completing more passes than his I.Q. But when our Ancient Eight gridiron sisters sweep a weekend, we must draw the line. We're going on strike. After all, what fun is it when every Ivy team wins? Wait a minute. On second thought, this is the Omniscient Octagon, which we know you all have humid dreams about on Monday night. So there has to be some absurdities to make fun of. · Suspension of the Week Upon further review, it's apparent Roundup is not the only one which wanted to sit out this week. At Cornell, the band decided it couldn't march to the beat of a different drum. So while the percussion section was serving a one-game suspension for bruising the trachea of the Princeton Tiger, the rest of the band decided to sit out as well, well-placed sources told Roundup. Facing the possibility of litigation, the percussion section was under a gag order -- "I'm not opening my mouth," said a dejected drum major Matt French (like the toast), who is said to be pretty skinny now that he isn't eating. "It's not a lighthearted matter." Sure it isn't. French (like the fries) referred Roundup investigators to band manager Dawn Polan, but several calls were unanswered. Apparently, our reputation precedes us. · Ivy League Incarceration of the Week People have been getting in trouble all over the place in the big bad Ivy League. So while most of you would probably give the incarceration award to Penn grad Alex Moskovits, drug trafficking just won't cut it anymore in the Ancient Eight. We here at Roundup give the nod to 1992 Yale alum and former football player Ya-"Cardinal"-Sin Shabazz. Shabazz "allegedly" pointed a 20-gauge shotgun at Riva Brown, a reporter for the Biloxi (Miss.) Sun-Herald. Brown underwent surgery on her abdomen, left arm and leg, and sources at Yale told Roundup she is OK. Thankfully for our safety, Shabazz is behind bars and was unavailable for comment. Sources at The Yale Daily News said they do not fear Shabazz will return to New Haven seeking to cause trouble, and have no plans to change the locks on their doors. Yale coach Carm "I'm Older Than The Dirt We Play On" Cozza, who has been known to spew venom at reporters, but never to go so far as to pump lead into them, said Shabazz "had a real nice personality." Apparently Cozza is as good a judge of personalities as he is of football talent (this year's 3-0 record against scrubs notwithstanding). Roundup officials are currently investigating 1991 and 1992 stories to see if we may have ever offended Shabazz. · Cozza Brain Damage of the Week Maybe Cozza was suffering from brain damage caused by too much exposure of his chrome-dome to the sun, not that it's ever too sunny in New Haven. Cozza called for an on-side kick against Connecticut, but was worried the play would be missed by kicker John Stalzer. The signal was for Cozza to simply and calmly lift his hat, but "allegedly" he lifted up his hat five to 10 times, waving it frantically in the air. "He was panicking," said a source at Yale. However, those UConn guys were pretty oblivious, and the play still managed to work despite Cozza's lack of subtlety. Then the source continued: "The Boston Globe picked us to finish eighth in the Ivies. We knew that was bull. We figured about .500. Some people are talking 10-0 and an Ivy championship. But I know Penn is going to spank us." · Spectator Delusions of the Week Speaking of scandals, previous reports of drug use at The Columbia Spectator did not do justice to the true substance abuse problems of the sports staff. Ecstatic over a win against Lafayette, these guys have circled Oct. 15 -- the date the "mighty" Lions play Penn -- on their calendars. We did find one person who was semi-conscious. He offered this analysis: "Lafayette is not a good football team." When was the last time you heard someone from Columbia saying that? Didn't these guys lose 44 games in a row? Can you say: "The pot calling the kettle black?" Apparently, drugs do funny things to one's memory. Then, alas, he took a whiff of some funny stuff and profoundly said: "We finally have a rushing game. We haven't had that since I've been here, and supposedly before that too." No duh. · Lost Opportunity of the Week Miles Macik had the opportunity to pick that Lafayette-Columbia game, as the Swamis invited the superstar receiver to be their guest in the Pink Palace. Macik was unavailable though, spending Thursday night and Friday morning with a companion. Obviously Miles doesn't need a football field to score. "I would have loved to pick the games," said Macik, who received the message too late. "I'd love to be a Swami. I think you guys are pretty cool." Aw shucks Miles, we think you're cool too -- just not as cool as Wawa's Marco. · Pretty Boy QB of the Week Meet Ren Riley, a Dartmouth junior and San Francisco native. Meet Ren Riley, a 6-foot-4, 215-pound blond, pretty-boy high school scrub. Meet Ren Riley, the Ancient Eight's most uncoordinated quarterback since the days of Brown's Bill Pienas and Trevor Yankoff, who was yanked by coach Mark Whipple. After costing the Slimy Green two games in the final minutes, Roundup's "favorite" quarterback finally succeeded -- if only against Fordham. The boy with two left feet tripped and fell with a clear path to the end zone in a 20-16 loss to Colgate. He got slammed by Penn one foot away from the promised land in a 13-11 to the Quakers. So Saturday, after singlehandedly creating a quarterback controversy, Roundup's "favorite" poster boy for birth control came through in the clutch -- a whopping 147 yards against the porous Ram defense. It just may be time to call back Jay Fiedler -- we hear he's not being used much by the Eagles, except as a tackling dummy.

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