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DPOSTM has own magic at Franklin Field, beats Weenies

(11/21/00 10:00am)

The conquering heroes of the Daily Pennsylvanian's Only Staff That Matters came from far and wide on Sunday with one purpose in mind. They were there to remind the Weenies just who runs the show in the annual Kamin Cup football game between the DP sports staff and the rest of the newspaper at Franklin Field. DPOSTM captain Rick "Easy Rider" Haggerty, assistant captain Jesse "Motors" Spector and tailback Andrew "Boo Boo" Margolies flew in that morning from North Carolina. Speedy wideout Kyle Bahr returned from frosty Ithaca, N.Y., as did Sub "Deadline" Stockman. Assistant captain Will "Staples" Ulrich made it back from the wilds of the City Line. But DPOSTM's scheduled starting quarterback for the Kamin Cup, Nick "Barnman" Barnhorst, was nowhere to be found -- he was, we imagine, still languishing in Ohio, face down in the basement of a Columbus frat house. So, it was sophomore Kyle "Three Day" Bender who stepped in under center. It took him some time to get the offense on track -- the Weenies led 9-6 at halftime. But interceptions by Ulrich and Ryan "R" Kelly and stellar secondary play by Tom "Everyman" FitzGibbon, kept DPOSTM (57-2 all-time) in it. At the half, fire and brimstone was delivered by Stockman, who had not only returned from Ithaca, but from a drunken stupor. He was irate that his team was being beaten by a squad of Weenies (2-57), quarterbacked by sports-hating columnist Brian "Southern Crack Baby" Cope. Stockman caught the go-ahead touchdown on a center-eligible pass from Bender, winning the battle of big men in shorts with Enrique "Tomorrow, I'll Play Less Badly" Landa. Scott "Invisible Man" Taffet was a star for DPOSTM at wideout, catching two touchdowns. Bahr also excelled on the DPOSTM flank, constantly outrunning the feeble Weenies' defensive backs. The second-half DPOSTM surge led the favored side to a 19-15 victory. Some ugliness occurred when Cope tackled Ulrich after the DPOSTM leader had intercepted a pass intended for the foolish columnist, who had been relieved of his quarterbacking duties. Cope was removed from the game for the inadequacy of his passes, just as so many wish he could be removed from the DP months ago for the inadequacy of his prose. Always ones to rub it in, DPOSTM called for Weenies co-captain Ben "No Talent" Geldon to get on the field. He lasted all of one play, leaving the Weenies to be carried by a series of ringers, including one mustachioed 35-year-old gentleman whom none had ever seen before. But it didn't matter. Good prevailed again, and DPOSTM held off a late Weenies rally to preserve the win. "The Animal will be back next year," said Weenies co-captain Brett Rose, who this year resembled Max Headroom more than an Animal. The Animal may return next year, but it will surely once again be in defeat. "He can talk all he wants, he looks like he belongs in the '80s," said Haggerty, who closed out his DPOSTM career with a 2-2 Kamin Cup record, although the two losses were clearly caused by longtime DPOSTM jinx Jules "Manhattan Transfer" Dessibourg, who has vowed to never again attend a DPOSTM sporting event for fear of spreading bad luck.

https://www.thedp.com/article/2000/11/dpostm_has_own_magic_at_franklin_field_beats_weenies

JOKE ISSUE: Penn to save, save, save with new clothier

(04/10/00 9:00am)

The Athletic Department has decided to switch to campus hot spot Steve and Barry's. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] And1 is AndDone. Yesterday, the Penn Athletic Department announced that it was terminating its relationship with athletic apparel supplier And1 due to what Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky termed a "necessity on our part" to make the Athletic Department more cost-efficient. To that end, Penn also announced yesterday that it was hiring campus mainstay Steve and Barry's to outfit its various varsity and junior varsity teams. "We're very happy to be associated with Steve and Barry's," Bilsky said. "Their 'Buy One, Get 28 Free' offers are extremely difficult to turn down. Now, I can go there and buy a marked-down Spring Fling '96 T-shirt and receive enough free clothing to outfit the entire softball team." At a press conference yesterday, Penn men's basketball team center Geoff Owens modeled the new look of the Quakers. Clad in a "Not Penn State" shirt, Owens seemed happy about the switch. "Yes. I enjoy these new shirts very much," Owens said deliberately and slowly as he nervously eyed Bilsky. "'Not Penn State.' I get it. It is very amusing. What a zinger." But one Penn athlete who asked not to be identified was critical of the change. "The world made sense an hour ago!" she said, weeping in her new "I'm a Wharton Mom" T-shirt. Despite several such doubts concerning the Penn Athletic Department's plan, Bilsky defended the new uniform arrangements. "'Not Penn State!' Come on! It works on so many levels," he said. "First of all, it's true! I mean, we're not Penn State, not the last time I looked. Second, it's really, really funny! I mean, whoever thought that up must be, like, a millionaire now." After the press conference ended, Bilsky continued to justify the switch. "Listen, fencing and women's squash aren't helping to pay the bills," he said while relaxing in the Athletic Department's new office hot tub and watching The Little Mermaid on DVD. "The money to fund dozens of varsity sports has to come from somewhere. We save a ton of bones at Steve and Barry's. "Don't go into the cave, Ariel! Your father said not to!" he added. "Every time you watch this, you hope it turns out differently. But it doesn't." He paused for a moment before lifting a cigar up to his mouth. "Ahhhhhhh?" Bilsky said, a plume of smoke rising into the stuffy air of his cushy Weightman Hall office. "You know, it's almost impossible to duplicate the taste and feel of real Cubans. But I told Alanna [Wren, AD administrative assistant] and the rest of the staff to work all night if they had to, and I think they came pretty darn close." Bilsky also said that some of Penn's varsity teams would be clothed by the Athletic Department itself. "Yeah, I got a bunch of these Penn NCAA Tournament T-shirts down in Carolina, but I couldn't get rid of them," he said. "A few alums in the stands wanted them, but after that, it was like I couldn't give them away. I tried everything! I used one to wax my car, I used one as kindling to start a fire in my fireplace at home. I even put dog poo in one, tied it up, lit it on fire, left it outside of Bagnoli's office, rang the doorbell and ran around the corner. That was awesome! Oh, the hijinks that ensued! Yet, I still had more T-shirts than I knew what to do with. "But now, I am proud to say that they are the new uniforms for the Penn tennis teams. Or, do you want some?"

https://www.thedp.com/article/2000/04/joke_issue_penn_to_save_save_save_with_new_clothier

Weenies no match for DPOSTM

(11/08/99 10:00am)

After two years of controversial losses, members of The Daily Pennsylvanian's Only Staff That Matters [Sports] destroyed the Weenies [the rest of the paper] 36-25 on Franklin Field yesterday. With the defeat, the Weenies were rightfully put back in their place, and the Kamin Cup is home with DPOSTM. Contrary to what diminutive Weenie Brett "The Animal" Rose's orange shirt may have indicated, DPOSTM was not up against Princeton. Instead, the writers from the half of the DP that people actually read were faced with a plethora of beasts, midgets, goons and impossible cartoon creations. Receivers Kyle Bahr and Scott "No Longer Invisible And Definitely Not Amit" Taffet could be seen running up and down the field all day, catching pass after pass from DPOSTM signal-caller Rick "Flutie" Lapidos. The play of the game for the heroic sportswriters, however, was made by none other than former DPOSTM editor Josh "Rip Van" Callahan. After DPOSTM raced out to a commanding lead, the Weenies clawed back, seizing possession while trailing by just five with two minutes left. But Callahan came through for the good guys. Rip Van's leaping interception with less than a minute remaining sealed the victory and gave DPOSTM its first victory since the pre-Kent Malmros era. But the main cause of the Weenies' defeat -- besides the fact that they suck -- was Lapidos. Stumbling to Franklin Field in a drunken state along with frat brother Brian "Three Packs" Hindo, Lapidos still had no trouble picking apart the sickly Weenies' defense. Lapidos' game was fueled by the near-flawless snapping of center Eric "Doogie Doggy" Moskowitz. Will "Staples" Ulrich played a serviceable backup to Doggy when DPOSTM's co-captain valiantly took himself out for the good of team unity. Going 56-for-59 passing (three passes were dropped by DPOSTM journeyman Matt "Lymon" Wurst), Lapidos picked through the Weenies secondary with ease. The Weenies were especially hurt by the loss of Lindsay "I Love King Swami" Faber, who was declared academically ineligible for the game. The highlight of the day, though, was a loud, boisterous, monkey-sex-like scrum between DPOSTM's Jesse "Gadget" Spector and the Weenies' Enrique "Big Pun" Landa. Landa tackled Spector on a dirty, post-play hit, before a slew of venomous screams from Gadget drove him away in horror. "I have rug burns over 90 percent of my legs from going down [on DPOSTM] all day long," Landa said. Binyamin "No Yarmulke Today" Appelbaum was seen running and flailing his arms all day, but this was not in an attempt to catch passes. Rather, he was merely trying to avoid being tackled by DPOSTM defensive stalwart and co-captain Rick "Easy Rider" Haggerty, who was incessant in his rushing of Weenies QB Zach "Don't Know When to Retire" Lewis. Lewis was also brutalized by the play of DPOSTM defensive end Andrew "Move Over, Germino" McLaughlin. "It was something from childhood. I was beaten a lot as a kid. That's why I run so fast," Appelbaum, the rail-thin editorial page editor, said. The only member of DPOSTM not to level the brutalized Appelbaum was ironwoman Jessica "60 Minutes" Tuchinsky. Well, the Weenies just didn't run fast enough, because DPOSTM caught them and beat them into the green artificial turf of Franklin Field. The Cup is back where it belongs -- with The Only Staff That Matters.

https://www.thedp.com/article/1999/11/weenies_no_match_for_dpostm

JOKE ISSUE: Caramanico to leave Penn in pursuit of WNBA dreams

(04/07/99 9:00am)

Only a sophomore, the 1998-99 Ivy Women's Basketball Player of the Year is opting for the WNBA draft. In a shocking press conference yesterday at 5 p.m., 1999 Ivy League Women's Basketball Player of the Year Diana Caramanico announced that she will be leaving school early to enter the Women's National Basketball Association draft. Caramanico makes history as the first college player to ever declare early for the fledgling league. The news comes as a surprise to most but Caramanico said she is 100 percent sure that she is ready to leave college and play basketball at a higher level. "I love playing basketball and it would be a dream come true if I played in the WNBA," Caramanico said. "I feel that I've demolished college basketball, averaging over 20 points per game as a mere sophomore. I'm looking for more of a challenge." Naturally, Caramanico's parents, Daniel Caramanico and Marie Maguire, are concerned that she is making a rash decision. They believe she should not throw away her Ivy League education for a chance to get paid "to throw a ball in a basket." "We just want what's best for our daughter," Daniel Caramanico said. "We don't see why she can't wait two more years, get her degree and then play basketball if she would like. But it sure is cheaper." Caramanico downplayed her Penn education, however, claiming that the Wharton School has failed to challenge her academically. She complained that the "incompetent" professors have difficulty even speaking English, much less teaching business. "It's not like I go to an academically prestigious school like Princeton or Gonzaga," Caramanico said. Caramanico candidly admitted that she is looking forward to making the big bucks in the WNBA. "I'm looking forward to having all that money," Caramanico said. "Plus, it will make all of my money-hungry Wharton friends extremely jealous. "The Wharton advisors even encouraged me to leave. I think it had something to do with increasing the average Wharton starting salary." Caramanico already has an idea what she would like to do with her signing bonus. After the school year -- which Caramanico has decided to finish out -- she plans to buy an island. "Maybe just a small one to start," she added. Caramanico also said that if she has any savings left she may vacation in Cancun, Mexico, to improve her tan, considering she'll be playing on national television next year. Caramanico also hopes to support her family. "Maybe my parents can retire early if I succeed at the professional level." Caramanico said. "I plan on signing a contract that will give me a bonus when I win the Rookie of the Year award." "Besides, now I can provide for Geoff [Owens], because god knows he's never making it to the NBA," Caramanico said, referring to her 6'11" boyfriend who plays center for the men's basketball team. "And with the medical bills?" Unbeknownst to Caramanico, Extreme Championship Wrestling will be paying Owens' bills for several months after a bizarre incident last night left the Penn center hospitalized at HUP with multiple injuries. Owens -- reached for comment earlier in the day -- is very supportive of Caramanico's decision, although he said it was not the ideal situation. "I agree that Diana is making the correct decision but I'm upset because I won't get to see her that much next year with all of that travelling," Owens said. "It would be ideal if she went to the ABL and played for the Philadelphia Rage." When told the American Basketball League had folded, Owens began to cry. Caramanico's teammates, however, have not echoed the support Owens has shown. Most of the Quakers had hopes for an Ivy League title next year, but that will be difficult without Caramanico. "She flat-out bailed on her team," junior guard Mandy West said. "I specifically transferred to Penn to realize the ultimate dream of every women's basketball player in the country -- to win an Ivy League championship. Now the odds are slim without Diana." "I don't give a shit because I won't be here next year," added Julie Soriero, who stepped down as head coach following the conclusion of this season. As a parting gift, Soriero offered Caramanico a pile of Penn women's basketball gear to distribute among her new friends in the WNBA. "Besides, nobody else wants it," Soriero said. Nevertheless, this is one of the most unbelievable things to happen in Penn sports history. Although Caramanico was on pace to be the first Quaker, male or female, to score 2,000 career points, she is now the first Quaker to leave college early for a professional basketball draft.

https://www.thedp.com/article/1999/04/joke_issue_caramanico_to_leave_penn_in_pursuit_of_wnba_dreams

Oh jeez - DPOSTM taken over by midget and Valley boy in bloodless coup: Daniel Tenenblatt, Eric Moskowitz Sports Editors

(01/29/99 10:00am)

An editor who is never in the office. Complainers. Women problems. Long-winded articles. Youth. Yup, it's a new year, but not much seems to have changed inside DPOSTM -- The DP's Only Staff that Matters. It's been just two weeks, but Daniel "90210" Tenenblatt and Eric "Doogie/Squitz" Moskowitz have already exhibited many of the qualities essential to great sports editors. Take young Daniel for instance. He's already acting like it's his last week on the job -- constantly wandering out of the office to "pin" one freshman or another, be it his frat pledges at Phi Kappa Sigma or his girlfriend, Kristen. Tenenblatt's current disregard for responsibility is just another example in a history of disrespect for the rules. In fifth grade Dan was quite the trouble maker, according to his friend Alete Arom. Once he threw his chair across the classroom. Another time he stole his teacher's cigarettes, causing her to have a nervous breakdown. Unrelenting to the end, he always talked back and refused his punishment. No doubt it was the precursor to today's irrepressible comments and comebacks, which the young Angelino thinks qualifies for "wit." But the Beverly Hills native kept an ace up his sleeve -- his mom. A powerful force on the PTA, Dan used his mom to get him out of any jam. "They couldn't do anything to him," Arom said of Dan's rambunctious early years. One jam his mom couldn't save him from was his torture of an innocent admirer. Straight from the script of a 90210 episode, Tenenblatt and his young love Kim hid their seventh-grade relationship, until the day Tenenblatt told her friends. The friends banished Kim for hiding the truth from them, causing Kim to turn to a life of drugs. "They don't talk. She says he ruined her life," Arom says. "She is even questioning if she's straight." Currently, Tenenblatt has set his eyes on another young, but unsuspecting admirer, Kristen. "He's a sweet guy, and I think he knows it," said Kristen of her big-headed beau. Tenenblatt's raging ego will do battle with his partner in crime, as Moskowitz is said to have a big head of his own. "He was proud of his accomplishments -- that he could walk in and write a good story," mother Ellen says of her son's first impressions of 4015 Walnut. Despite bold proclamations of his talent, Moskowitz in only beginning to blossom as a writer as as he has yet to hit puberty. Upon walking into the Pink Palace last January, many rushed to his aid asking if he had lost his mommy. Others commented that it was remarkable that Penn allowed 12 year-olds -- no matter how smart -- to matriculate. Penn has been in Moskowitz's dreams since birth . He used to tag along with his dad to alumni picnics and write "Class of 2001" on his name tag. He was 10. "Penn" was also reported to be his first word. Moskowitz's height isn't just a hinderance during the school year, it also haunts his summer work at Camp Pelknat -- a camp his father described as "hokey and "fascist." "This past summer he had a 12 year-old [camper] taller than him," friend Mark Scott said. "Everyone mistakes him for being 13 and a camper." To avoid being overlooked in life, Moskowitz has learned to speak up for himself. To no end. "He never stops talking," Scott said. As the outgoing DP editorial board painfully learned in December, when the topic of sports comes up it is nearly impossible to shut the kid up. The endless talking also probably stems from the fact that Moskowitz was abandoned by his family when he was four. With the birth of his brother Scott, Moskowitz was moved to the far other side of the house where he remained in seclusion for three years. "He would come in my room and say that it was his room, and that I was just borrowing it," Scott recalls. "I love my brother, but he's a whiner. Sometimes I wish email hadn't been invented because it is just another means for him to whine to us." The whining stems from the constant stress Moskowitz puts himself under. At one point the diminutive sophomore estimated he slept 108 hours in a month. "At his kindergarten parent-teacher conference his teacher told us she thought he would have an ulcer before he was 11," Moskowitz's mom, Ellen, said. "He wants to be perfect, so it takes him longer to do things." This is a lesson his former editors have suffered through far too often. Not one to break from tradition, DPOSTM has chosen a couple of rogues with pasts far too familiar for former DP editors to feel comfortable. "We're doomed," former DPOSTM editor Jordan Smith said.

https://www.thedp.com/article/1999/01/oh_jeez_dpostm_taken_over_by_midget_and_valley_boy_in_bloodless_coup_daniel_tenenblatt_eric_moskowit

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