Weenies no match for DPOSTM

After two years of controversial losses, members of The Daily Pennsylvanian's Only Staff That Matters [Sports] destroyed the Weenies [the rest of the paper] 36-25 on Franklin Field yesterday. With the defeat, the Weenies were rightfully put back in their place, and the Kamin Cup is home with DPOSTM. Contrary to what diminutive Weenie Brett "The Animal" Rose's orange shirt may have indicated, DPOSTM was not up against Princeton. Instead, the writers from the half of the DP that people actually read were faced with a plethora of beasts, midgets, goons and impossible cartoon creations. Receivers Kyle Bahr and Scott "No Longer Invisible And Definitely Not Amit" Taffet could be seen running up and down the field all day, catching pass after pass from DPOSTM signal-caller Rick "Flutie" Lapidos. The play of the game for the heroic sportswriters, however, was made by none other than former DPOSTM editor Josh "Rip Van" Callahan. After DPOSTM raced out to a commanding lead, the Weenies clawed back, seizing possession while trailing by just five with two minutes left. But Callahan came through for the good guys. Rip Van's leaping interception with less than a minute remaining sealed the victory and gave DPOSTM its first victory since the pre-Kent Malmros era. But the main cause of the Weenies' defeat -- besides the fact that they suck -- was Lapidos. Stumbling to Franklin Field in a drunken state along with frat brother Brian "Three Packs" Hindo, Lapidos still had no trouble picking apart the sickly Weenies' defense. Lapidos' game was fueled by the near-flawless snapping of center Eric "Doogie Doggy" Moskowitz. Will "Staples" Ulrich played a serviceable backup to Doggy when DPOSTM's co-captain valiantly took himself out for the good of team unity. Going 56-for-59 passing (three passes were dropped by DPOSTM journeyman Matt "Lymon" Wurst), Lapidos picked through the Weenies secondary with ease. The Weenies were especially hurt by the loss of Lindsay "I Love King Swami" Faber, who was declared academically ineligible for the game. The highlight of the day, though, was a loud, boisterous, monkey-sex-like scrum between DPOSTM's Jesse "Gadget" Spector and the Weenies' Enrique "Big Pun" Landa. Landa tackled Spector on a dirty, post-play hit, before a slew of venomous screams from Gadget drove him away in horror. "I have rug burns over 90 percent of my legs from going down [on DPOSTM] all day long," Landa said. Binyamin "No Yarmulke Today" Appelbaum was seen running and flailing his arms all day, but this was not in an attempt to catch passes. Rather, he was merely trying to avoid being tackled by DPOSTM defensive stalwart and co-captain Rick "Easy Rider" Haggerty, who was incessant in his rushing of Weenies QB Zach "Don't Know When to Retire" Lewis. Lewis was also brutalized by the play of DPOSTM defensive end Andrew "Move Over, Germino" McLaughlin. "It was something from childhood. I was beaten a lot as a kid. That's why I run so fast," Appelbaum, the rail-thin editorial page editor, said. The only member of DPOSTM not to level the brutalized Appelbaum was ironwoman Jessica "60 Minutes" Tuchinsky. Well, the Weenies just didn't run fast enough, because DPOSTM caught them and beat them into the green artificial turf of Franklin Field. The Cup is back where it belongs -- with The Only Staff That Matters.

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