One hour and 45 minutes.
That's how long I’ve been sitting in this Starbucks, second-guessing every single word of this column I try to type. Last month, I pitched an article to my editor that served as a tool I can use to reflect on my summer. Now, I’m still staring at a blank page.
The issue that I’ve faced hasn’t been a lack of desire to write this piece. It’s been a lack of motivation to simply try.
Why has something I enjoy — writing — become a chore for me to even attempt? For starters, I need to better understand the state of my mental health before I continue pushing myself.
After an incredibly chaotic first year in Philadelphia, I wanted nothing more than to spend the summer at home with my family and friends. I’d had enough of Penn’s competitive atmosphere and was ready for a much-needed break. Not wanting to lose any academic momentum, I started looking for internships in my hometown, El Paso, Texas. Months in advance, I perfected my resume and started cold-calling local law firms. However, it was to no avail. No firms were looking to bring me on board.
Disappointed, I resorted to working my high school job as a barista, hoping to earn some money while anxiously holding out for an internship opportunity later in the summer.
Eventually, I gave up on the internship search and picked up more shifts. I hate to admit it, but I became someone who based my self-worth on that rejection. I couldn’t understand why none of my professional pursuits were successful if I had been working so hard academically.
Being back home and feeling burnt out led to falling back into the old habits that I had worked so hard to overcome. I started getting home past curfew, sleeping in far too late, calling out of work, rotting in bed, and smoking more cigarettes than I care to admit.
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It wasn’t until just now, when I began to attempt to write this article, that I finally realized: The burnout and stress I’d been dealing with were entirely self-imposed.
I had fallen back into old habits as a coping mechanism. I was too stubborn to understand that I was putting myself under pressure. No matter how much I brought up my GPA, how many cold calls I made, how hard I worked, I continued demanding unrealistic perfection from myself. I couldn’t accept my best as good enough.
I’ve since learned to feel proud of my achievements, and I won’t lose sight of my personal goals moving forward. Additionally, I want to learn from the mistakes I made this summer to push myself toward more realistic, long-term goals. My biggest mistake was my choice to come home for the summer.
At the forefront of my pursuits is a desire to grow into the best version of myself, and I’ve always known that in order to do that, I need to grow as a person outside of El Paso. Because I got so caught up in the chaos of my first year, I allowed myself to fall back on the stability and security of my hometown. However, choosing not to explore my identity outside of El Paso led to me slipping back into a version of my 17-year-old self. Strangely enough, my hometown seems to have remained exactly as I remember it being when I left for Penn. This summer has taught me that El Paso will always be the same.
While I needed rest, I forgot that I chose to leave El Paso, aspiring to escape this bubble and venture into a new chapter.
Moving forward, I’m prioritizing balance. I now recognize that it’s crucial to push myself to reach my goals without conforming to outside pressures or compromising my mental health.
So, as I sit here in Starbucks, finally finishing this column a month after I pitched it, I will not allow myself to criticize how I spent my summer.
I didn’t take any summer classes, reach 500 LinkedIn connections, or get an internship.
But I did spend time with friends and family who I missed while I was away; reconnect with customers and co-workers who have helped push me out of my shell; read a few books — a hobby I never got to work into my school schedule; make money to support the cost of living in Philadelphia; listen to a lot of music — even getting to hear some of my favorite artists live; take time to distinguish my personal goals from those of others around me, which helped me prioritize self-growth over professional or academic productivity; and, most importantly, book my one-way flight out of Texas and back to Philadelphia.
So while El Paso will always be home, I’m ready to continue the journey that I embarked on last August. While the future feels uncertain, I’m ecstatic to continue striving for personal and professional growth.
ELIJAH RAMIREZ is a College sophomore studying political science from El Paso, Texas. His email is elijah11@sas.upenn.edu.
