*This story appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue.
After holding a stable position at the top of national rankings for well over 20 years, Wharton has fallen to number 121 on Forbes’ listing of top business schools in the country, released Monday.
“I came in thinking I’d be going to the best business school in the United States,” Wharton freshman Jonathan Tobin said. “But needless to say, I’ll be transferring to Drexel in the fall.”
Other Whartonites feel that the school’s declining reputation is actually a blessing in disguise.
“My entire accounting recitation is leaving Penn,” said Wharton sophomore Sarah Litman, who read about the ranking drop on her brand new iPad. “I think I’ll finally be able to set the curve.”
Although 984 students were accepted into Wharton for the class of 2014, 73 percent of this group has already declined the offer, a record high since the school’s establishment in 1881.
Wharton alumni, outraged by the rankings, have generated a unanimous response.
“It’s discomforting to see my $12 million go to an institution that is now academically worse than Penn State, especially when Penn State gets all its funding from the government,” Wharton alumnus Donald Trump said.
Forbes Magazine spokeswoman Susan Dole explained that, in general, institutions that fall in rankings so abruptly tend to see major budgetary changes due to decreased private donations and declining prospective student interest.
“I think I speak for all former students when I say that I am thoroughly disappointed and a little embarrassed,” Wharton alumnus J.D Power of J.D. Power and Associates said.
In response to the sharp drop-off in alumni donations, Wharton Dean Thomas Robertson explained that the school must undergo significant budget cuts, beginning with its administration.
“Details are sketchy, but we’re planning on moving our offices to the lower level of 1920 Commons,” Robertson said.
“I’m done,” Trump said. “Wharton will not see another dime from my pocket until it … steps up its game.”
Robertson, however, said the drop should not discourage future investment bankers and accountants from applying to Wharton.
“Wharton is still the same institution it was last week, last year, 20 years ago,” he said. “This is but a minor speed bump. Wharton will rise again, holding onto its pretentious reputation as moss clings to forest stones.”
