On Friday night, the "Collegiate Bushrangers" and "Team U.S.A." convened in the Philomathean rooms of College Hall to debate the historical question: Is Australia the greatest ex-colony of Britain?
The Australian team, composed of a delegation of Australian college students selected from institutions across the country, accepted the challenge to face a team of Penn undergraduates on just two day's notice.
Three British Penn Law students judged the debate, ultimately finding the United States to be the greatest ex-colony of Britain.
The "Collegiate Bushrangers" were on their way to Harvard University for the National Model United Nations conference.
"It's always a pleasure doing battle with Americans on their own turf," said the Australian team captain, Tim Russert.
And a battle it was. Before a verdict was reached, each side presented cases and rebuttals for the better part of two hours.
"Team U.S.A." argued the affirmative stance, claiming that Australia is indeed the best ex-colony of Britain.
The analogy-based argument was riddled with jokes. Citing everything from Australia's continual allegiance and loyalty to the crown to its surplus of sunny beaches and vacation hot-spots, "Team U.S.A." made its case both humorous and convincing.
However, the "Bushrangers" rose to the bench to contest the American assertions. The Aussies, with their "colonial hangovers," argued that the best former colony of Britain is the United States.
"Clearly America is the greatest ex-colony," they declared after poking fun at U.S. foreign military debacles, the health care system and the absence of a national cricket team.
After closing statements from each side, the Australians, Americans and 14 other spectators mingled while the presiding British judges deliberated over a verdict. In a thick British accent, the primary judge began with a dismal statement.
"Between the rampant socioeconomic inequality in America and the indolence that infects every Australian citizen," he said, "the question is not which ex-colony is best, but which one is the least awful."
After the judges announced the verdict, both teams shook hands and reconciled their differences.
