*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue
Some old-school Philly flavor will be added to the Penn Relays this year.
Ex-76er and former NBA star Charles Barkley will compete in a 100-meter dash against 69-year-old Philadelphia native and comedian William H. Cosby, Jr., Ed. D., better known as Bill Cosby.
Tensions between the sexagenarian and Barkley have been publicly rising over the last few weeks.
Cosby, who moonlights as a soapbox speaker, criticized Barkley for being a poor role model after Barkley admitted to gambling and losing millions of dollars.
In response to Cosby's charges, Barkley took a minute while on-air during his current job as a basketball analyst for TNT and said "that old man should stop saying the darndest things and shut his mouth already. I'm no role model. Anybody that's tall enough can dunk a basketball."
He added that he "always liked Alf better than The Cosby Show anyway."
The two continued to trade insults until two weeks ago, when Barkley challenged Cosby to a race to settle the dispute once and for all.
"We'll settle this the way I settle anything," Barkley said. "We're gonna race."
Cosby accepted the challenge on the condition that the loser would have to take Barkley's TNT partner, Marv Albert, out for dinner.
The catch? Albert will be dressed in his finest back-biting "Marvina" outfit, complete with wig, lipstick, makeup and brassiere.
Since the gauntlet was laid down two weeks ago, the two have gone on intense training regimens.
"I'm feeling great ever since I dropped Coca-Cola and Jell-O Pudding from my diet," Cosby said.
Barkley has said his training is more about fine-tuning than getting in shape.
"I beat Dick Bavetta a couple of months ago," he said. "I'm still in racing shape. Fat Albert over there has no chance."
"If you want me to send you a clip, I'll send you a clip," added Columbia football coach Norries Wilson on Barkley's earlier victory.
When informed of Barkley's prognostication, an irate Cosby could barely find the words to express his anger.
"Dick Bavetta ain't got nothin' on me!" he explained. "With the referee outfit and the whistle and the blowing and the heeeeeeeeehooooooo and the gobbledygook in the frazzle-dazzle."
